At one point, a very specific thought in my head was, "I just want to be left alone!"
It was OK if you like moving from place to place with no stability or cablevision.
It's not something that I talk about because I don't answer questions about it and because of liability.
I have tiny scars that dot the landscape of my soul. Events that have pummeled me with bull's-eye precision have tried to send me over the edge into a deep dark hole of despair I tend to call a bottomless pit.
One of my favorite movies of all time is Home Alone. I love how "Kevin" declared war on the "Wet Bandits." Their robbery attempt was thwarted by an eight-year old and it had a big comedy reveal, much like my dating life.
My last boyfriend hauled off some stuff off to the dump and came back with more than what he left with.
He compartmentalized his food like a boss.
It couldn't touch on his plate or in his mouth or he pushed the plate aside and refused to eat. No, I'm not sure what grade he was in.
He panicked once because his house had a flat tire (it's not like it was going anywhere), yet his car had a doublewide tire on it. He wasn't very good at doing the math. Yes, I date winners, obviously.
I had been living under the assumption that the "Wet Bandits" in my life would just go away on their own.
Then, one day, I declared WAR.
I was 40 years old and had had ENOUGH of all of this nonsense. I picked up my Hefty bag full of tolerance and tossed it into the BP spill.
I began to feel fairly confident that I could take out the Wet Bandits by doing a complete 180. I emerged from my cocoon of despair even as I got eighty-sixed by Mr. Flat Tire Bandit.
I have a hidden capacity to be highly intelligent and in those first few days, kept it hidden, but after tossing the Hefty bag, I tossed him, too.
Just like Kevin left the light on in his house for the "Wet Bandits" so they would think his parents were home, I leave my light on, too. No one is breaking in again without me at least putting up a fight. Also, I need the light to find my slippers quickly, like a gangster does.
No, I don't have parents. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't even have a cat.
But, I do have a plan.
I'm building a fortress of friends and preparing for the remainder of my life like some people prepare for a zombie attack or a bacon shortage. Actually, I could eat my own foot if it was wrapped in bacon and sauteed in butter. So, don't really want to even joke about a bacon shortage.
Each day, I am starting my day off right and ending it better. Daily, I'm treating those around me golden and getting rid of all "Wet Bandits" who may bring me down.
Also, not to brag or anything, but I think I may have won the "Golden Duster" award in the Janitorial Olympics for my precision mopping skills.
D E C L A R E W A R on the Wet Bandits in your life.
Also, have a great Christmas with your families and be very thankful for them...even the In-Laws!