How to Fail at Sitting

It's taking a bit longer than what I had originally planned.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not that picky and men have accomplished quite a bit more than me.

I haven't accomplished quite as much.

I'm starting to feel like I haven't accomplished very much in my life.  I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.  It is all part of my trickery to graduate from adult school one day.

I went to a concert last night...Toby Mac. Well, I went because my son wanted to go, but I really wasn't expecting much.  It worked out perfectly with my schedule of having no social life.

I loved it.  It rekindled my lifelong love of rap music that I never loved. Ever.  There was no foul language or I wouldn't have gone.  So, I get there with my ticket and someone, a teenager, had taken my seat.  I didn't want to ask her to move so I wandered the Complex looking for a seat.  I became trapped in a neverending loop of looking for a seat.

I missed the entire first half of the concert.  When I tried sneak into a "non-designated" seating area, someone in security for the Complex yelled at me and I slowly came to the realization that I am forty-one years old and don't understand seating or in general, how to sit.  There is this relentless logic in my head that it should be a simple process for an adult.

I am handicapped by my own reluctance to disturb the lives of others.  I would rather throw a brick at myself than ask someone to get up out of my seat.  I like to think that I am really some sort of superhero when I do things like this.

If romantically challenged were a superpower, I would have saved the world by now, from something.

Yes, my thumbs are bendy.

I actually failed as a wanderer.  There is a whole range of ways for me to fail and I nail them all. 

The security guy who yelled at me saw me sitting in a corner bludgeoning myself in the face with Facebook.

He came over and apologized.  I was cool with that.  After all, I have lightning fast mood swings and switching over from one to another is my greatest power.  I do have a hard time achieving spontaneous combustion, but at this time, that was not necessary.

I'm thinking about checking myself into kindness rehab.  Surely there is help for me.

I am proud to say that I have a friend who is a superhero to me.  She gave up everything and moved her family to Costa Rica (not the part with beaches!) to help those less fortuante.  They moved to the jungle part.  I think monkeys steal their stuff.  Monkeys are tricky.

The economic situation there is pretty bad.  She has started an initiative called Mercy Covers that enables the local women to make quilts for orphans or trafficking survivors.  I hope that you check it out and possibly like and share the Facebook page.  There are no pirates or monkeys.

So, there was this battle of epic proportions going on inside of me.  I hate being a superhero and nobody knows about it.  Honestly, is that selfish or what? But, I think the best credit to me, is that they don't know.  I don't want to start doing things for credit, but just to store in my vault of goodness, which is running dangerously low.

My life is punctuated by unfortunate events.

Crack is Back!

I suppose some of you have noticed that I have been "AWOL."   Let me give you a sample of what is going on in my life and when I am done I will give you a "high five" for putting up with me.


First, I have been trying really hard getting into inventing. 

Actually, it looks more round like a pancake and is made of flour.  I am still working out some bumps in the road because it tastes more like a pancake and not as much like bacon.  Minor details.


There is a project on my board that I am very excited about and has nothing to do with bacon (I just threw bacon in here because I will get one billion hits from it).  Thank you Google.


Inventing is my stupid human trick that I do when my life is not as much high definition as I want it to be.  Yes, my TV is one of those high definition plasmas that can hang on the wall, but my life is usually way more high definitioner!


When I present my new invention to the public, you are all going to hit yourself on your own head and say

Also, Hurricane Debby missed my area so I have been busy eating the 25 cans of spinach I had stockpiled for the event.  The 5-day forecast put it hitting us dead on with torrential rain. 

I really believe that it should be called a fivecast instead of a forecast, but what do I know, I live in a swamp.


Torrential? I looked  up the definition of torrential on dictionary.com.

Then I took it upon myself to look up "impassioned."  I didn't look up vehement.  It just sounds gross and violent, much like Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night or a Saturday through Thursday night. 

Yes, that is exactly how I like my rain.  Filled with intense feelings and passionate.  Why can't men be raindrops? Six BILLION people on this planet and I can't find one man.  I don't need more than one.  How many men does it take to change a lightbulb, cut my grass, paint my walls or pressure wash my house? Just one.


Lately, I have been focusing on getting more beauty sleep.  I used to only get about 5 hours a night...maybe. Now, I get about 8 hours, 9 if I am feeling extra ugly.  


I haven't had Nutella in a while (and have lost 10 lbs.) but found myself in a (withdrawal) bind a few days ago and out of sheer desperation called the Nutella Hotline. 

For a while there I was starting to feel like a parade balloon.  It required six or more people to navigate me to my couch.   I would have to spray myself with a can of Pam to make it easier to pry myself up from any chair.   


I joined a gym, but I am saving that one for an entire post!  Let's just say the "working out" stuff is working!  I don't lick the screen anymore when a Hershey commercial comes on, well, not as much.  I am even thinking about signing up for Karate (at the age of 41).  

Seriously, between internet not working in the middle of this lovely swamp I call home and me being a famous inventor AND working out I have neglected my blog and I apologize.  I hope that you guys will continue to put up with me.  I miss reading your blogs and love reading your lovely comments! Also, to those of you who have given me awards, please do not think that I have forgotten you.  I get about 10 awards a month, so it is difficult for me to post them since I only get to do a few posts a month, but I do appreciate the recognition and remember who they are from!

Nutella--even the word tastes good!