Sunday, December 23, 2012

Home Alone

I can't say that my childhood wasn't full of encouragement and support.

At one point, a very specific thought in my head was, "I just want to be left alone!"

Which brings me to something I rarely, if ever, talk about.  I was in fostercare.

It was OK if you like moving from place to place with no stability or cablevision.


It's not something that I talk about because I don't answer questions about it and because of liability.
I have tiny scars that dot the landscape of my soul.  Events that have pummeled me with bull's-eye precision have tried to send me over the edge into a deep dark hole of despair I tend to call a bottomless pit.

One of my favorite movies of all time is Home Alone.  I love how "Kevin" declared war on the "Wet Bandits."  Their robbery attempt was thwarted by an eight-year old and it had a big comedy reveal, much like my dating life.


My last boyfriend hauled off some stuff off to the dump and came back with more than what he left with. 

He compartmentalized his food like a boss.  

It couldn't touch on his plate or in his mouth or he pushed the plate aside and refused to eat.  No, I'm not sure what grade he was in.

He panicked once because his house had a flat tire (it's not like it was going anywhere), yet his car had a doublewide tire on it.  He wasn't very good at doing the math.  Yes, I date winners, obviously.  

I had been living under the assumption that the "Wet Bandits" in my life would just go away on their own.

They didn't.

Then, one day, I declared WAR.

I was 40 years old and had had ENOUGH of all of this nonsense.  I picked up my Hefty bag full of tolerance and tossed it into the BP spill.    

I began to feel fairly confident that I could take out the Wet Bandits by doing a complete 180.  I emerged from my cocoon of despair even as I got eighty-sixed by Mr. Flat Tire Bandit.  
I have a hidden capacity to be highly intelligent and in those first few days, kept it hidden, but after tossing the Hefty bag, I tossed him, too.   

Just like Kevin left the light on in his house for the "Wet Bandits" so they would think his parents were home, I leave my light on, too.  No one is breaking in again without me at least putting up a fight.  Also, I need the light to find my slippers quickly, like a gangster does.

No, I don't have parents.  I don't have a boyfriend.  I don't even have a cat.

But, I do have a plan.  

I'm building a fortress of friends and preparing for the remainder of my life like some people prepare for a zombie attack or a bacon shortage.   Actually, I could eat my own foot if it was wrapped in bacon and sauteed in butter.  So, don't really want to even joke about a bacon shortage.

Each day, I am starting my day off right and ending it better.  Daily, I'm treating those around me golden and getting rid of all "Wet Bandits" who may bring me down.


Also, not to brag or anything, but I think I may have won the "Golden Duster" award in the Janitorial Olympics for my precision mopping skills.  


D E C L A R E  W A R  on the Wet Bandits in your life.   

Also,  have a great Christmas with your families and be very thankful for them...even the In-Laws!




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60 comments:

  1. You are an amazing person. I hope 2013 brings you all the good things of life and that the holidays bring you peace.

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  2. I'm sorry for the hard life you've had. I wish I could give you a big hug!

    I, too, am parent-less and boyfriend-less. Perhaps we could band together in the event of the zombie apocolypse :)

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    1. It's been hard, but good! Thanks, and yes I would love to band together with you!

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  3. Facing your demons. I'm proud of you. Kick the Wet Bandit's butts!

    (I don't really remember Home Alone but I think I understood your references. I'll have to go watch it and read this post again.)

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    1. Rachel,

      "Home Alone" is one of my top Christmas movie favorites ever! The kid "Kevin McAlister" kicks the butts of the Wet Bandits while he's accidentally home alone. Kevin wished his family would go away and they did: to Paris for the holidays.

      Here's a link to some highlights of the film:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKmN2e9UXOY

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    2. Hi Rachel,

      "Home Alone" is one of my favorite Christmas movies ever.

      In the movie a kid is accidentally left at home while his parents fly to Paris for the holidays. The kid Kevin encounters "The Wet Bandits" in the neighborhood who learn he is home alone. Kevin brilliantly plots to foil the bandits and is reunited with his family in the end. Kevin also meets a neighbor and encourages him to reconcile with his son.

      Did I mention "Home Alone" is hilarious and heartwarming and musical and iconic?

      YouTube has highlights of the movie and I'm attaching a link. Maybe it will work!?

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKmN2e9UXOY

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  4. Pamper yourself over the holidays! You deserve it!

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  5. what deb sez, tracie...

    i don't have a boyfriend, either... likely cuz i'm straight?

    nor parents, nor sis... i blame their dying for that

    kids... on their own

    at least i can hang with my dog - when he lets me...

    have a kool yule and a frantic first!

    :)

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  6. I am wishing you love and magic, for now and always. And yes, the black pit is very, very deep but it is not bottomless. Really it isn't.

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  7. Buy yourself something really expensive, I always feel that makes me feel worthy. To hell with everything else. Have a brilliant friend filled Christmas Tracie.
    Di
    xxxxx

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  8. A beautiful post, tough, funny, painstakingly crafted and helpful --the sort of thing that helps me through the holiday jumps and I appreciate it.

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  9. My Wet Bandits keep changing. I guess I need to define what they are right now and blow them away.

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  10. I'm glad you're declaring war. Things haven't been grand for you, but you're not really letting it get you down, so that's great.

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  11. Merry Christmas Tracie... I am declaring war on the wet bandits too:)

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  12. Have a great christmas and new year, if all else fails find those you don't like and chop off their ear, err umm moon them with your rear? haha

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    1. Not a whole lot that rhymes with ear, but I love how nothing stops you!

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    2. There is a lot that rhymes with ear, my dear. So let's grab a beer and spread some holiday cheer. And party on because 2013 is here. Have no fear. Do not veer, stay the course and keep your friends near!

      Did you hear with your ear all the things that rhymed here?

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  13. So sorry for your hard times. there was a time I was down and out because I didn't have a boyfriend....Man how I miss those days! I see now that it wasn't so bad. There's so many jerks out there. Sometimes we are better off without them. I certainly wish you well and hope you have a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year. I love your life plan...great attitude! Bless You

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  14. We all love you...especially when your foot is wrapped in bacon! Have a great Christmas, super 2013 (now that we all survived I can say that), and don't let the past direct your future. BTW...you are really funny! Take care.

    Chuck

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  15. Wet Bandits be damned. Here's hoping that 2013 is your year. I, too was in foster care and I think maybe it made us more resilient.

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  16. For what it's worth, I think you're really cool! Merry Christmas! (And I'm with you on the bacon thing.)

    S

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  17. You made me smile this morning. Thanks! Now off for some bacon and eggs.

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  18. Someone get me some grease, a paint can, and an elaborate rope/pulley system. I have some bandits to thwart! Sure, it sounds complicated, but if an 8 year old can construct this, then I should be able to with no problem... right...?

    Merry Christmas! I hope it's a good one!

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  19. I'm glad you are a survivor! More power to you! And Merry Christmas, girl! Hugs.

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  20. Great sentiment, get rid of the wet bandits and cultivate the golden friends, which in Home Alone terms was a homeless dude, but that's like a friend from unexpected places!

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  21. When you stop giving the wet bandits the time of day, there's so many good people out there to take their place!

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  22. Another new year to start finding the stuff you want. Especially bacon. A whole year to get it done. With bacon.

    Have a lovely Christmas.

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  23. I wish I'd been in foster care. There's always a slight chance that the foster parents wouldn't have beaten me as badly as the so-called real parents. And even though the "real" parents didn't give me away, I have abandonment issues anyway. Yes. I would have taken my chances on foster parents because the real ones left me covered in scars, but I'm very sorry you've been unhappy. I won't try to best you in an unhappiness contest. I'll simply declare myself the wiener.

    Love,
    Janie

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  24. You're a funnier, smarter version of Motel 6 leaving that light on. Hopefully, you're going to get better visitors soon. Merry Christmas!

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  25. Watch out Wet Bandits! The war has begun. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

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  26. You'll always be golden to me Tracie!

    Merry Christmas! :)

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  27. I'm adopted, my kids are adopted and were in foster care, so I know the scars that can leave. Good for you that have stayed so strong.

    Happy Christmas!

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  28. I think the reason I enjoy being home alone is because I am often surrounded by people, yes these people love me and like me but sometimes it feels good to have a nice quiet house. This afternoon is nice and quiet even though Tim is here he is in his room/office and I am in the lounge room.

    I hope your Christmas has been everything you wanted it to be.......

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  29. The Wet Bandits were cool, but when they turned into the Sticky Bandits I just fell off my chair hahaha. Have a great X-mas!

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  30. P.S. Some people have been so friendly to me lately, I should call them the Sticky Bandits. What do you think?

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  31. Merry Christmas, Traci and thanks for making us laugh all year. Laughter is such a wonderful gift.

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  32. Thank you for sharing your gift of humor with us. God bless, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

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  33. My husband is also parent-less. AND he has to put up with me. So I suppose things could always be worse?

    Here's to 2013 being your best year EVER.

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  34. hilarious post, especially the first pic, sounded a lot like my holiday.

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  35. Please, please, please tell me I'm not a wet bandit in your life!
    Oh, and here's to your new empowerment! You go, girl!

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  36. I hope that 2013 brings you beautiful things!

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  37. Home Alone still cracks me up, even though I've seen it 7 million times. Best of luck waging war on the wet bandits in 2013! Happy New Year!

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  38. We had three foster kids and I know that they felt like pinballs. They're in their 30's now and still stay in touch. It's heartbreaking to hear how painful life can be for some. But you CAN move forward and create a beautiful life! Your sense of humor obviously helps...And God loves you and is able to turn ANYTHING bad into good in your life. Our foster kids( now adults ) found joy and peace through their relationship with God. You can too!
    Praying for a wonderful New Year and New Life for you in 2013!
    Blessings!

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  39. Dear Tracie,

    I adore you and will adopt you whenever you like. You are a splendid person. Being a "pro" at being positive is one of life's best achievements, for the record.

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  40. Hello New Friend,

    I too adore the movie "Home Alone" for so many reasons. My son is about the same age as Kevin (M Caulkin) so it brings back memories of those years when it was (and still is) just the two of us. I wish they'd make another "Home Alone" movie with Kevin grown up. "Home Alone 4"?.

    Someone long ago said "laughter is the best medicine" so I'm going to be checking back here to get a dose of your priceless humor.






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  41. A good idea! (War on wet bandits). Also, i would like a fortress of friends as well thanks.

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  42. This was great! Just found another blog to follow!

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  43. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting!

    One of the advantages of getting older is that you gain the confidence and guts to deal with wet bandits, bad boyfriends, bottomless pits, and other such demons. And remember, friends are just like family, except you get to pick them.

    Here's to a fantastic 2013 for you!

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  44. I am cheering for you. Your wet bandits don't stand a chance against your resilience and humor. Cheers to you for an amazing 2013!

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  45. Congrats on being a strong person, despite all the garbage. Keep enclosing yourself with those good friends. This year speaks of unlimited potential.

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  46. Friendship is a powerful thing. I wish you lots of it.
    Happy new year!

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  47. Sure, you may have a plan in place to rid yourself of the Wet Bandits. But what will you do when they come back as the Sticky Bandits? Hmmm? Better have more plans in place!

    Have a happy new year and may you find many friends and less bandits!

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  48. Happy New Year! Good luck with the War on Wet Bandits!

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  49. Take THAT, Wet Bandits otherwise known as stinky people who do ignorant things!Thwack! Whack!

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  50. I really really really loved this. I would like to volunteer to be one of the turrets on your fortress of friends. Come to Utah?

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  51. Tracie... you so rock.

    Yup.

    I would so arm up with you against Wet Bandits any time.

    *serious nodding going on over here*

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