Wednesday, July 4, 2012

GPS

I have this distinct tendency to occasionally get lost in life.  Sometimes I feel like fate brought me there.  Fate can be much like a football field in which you are sitting on the wrong side next to strange, unpopular people cheering for the wrong team and wondering how you got there.


I invested in a GPS.


There are many different settings.  You can set them to male or female voices and they can scream or speak softly to you.  I have my own variations.


My driving skills are very advanced and I am usually on my way to a Mensa meeting or to a secret meeting of the Underground Extraordinary Women's Club somewhere when I need to use my GPS.

I notice at times during my Mensa or Club travels that there are people who are very distracted while driving.


It is really difficult to put my citizen involvement into action at this point.  I can only become very disgruntled at seeing this.  Watching someone else's car veer into three different lanes while that person texts makes me often wonder where the cops are. 


Texting only reminds me of several things that never made it as a sport in the Olympics.
At times I drive too fast and have some wicked sweet car passing skills that may or may not put me in the category of amateur stuntwoman.
Getting lost is a lot like changing a diaper.  You don't always know what you are going to find and usually it is the unexpected.  

One time, during my lostness, I pulled my car over to the side of the road and got out.  I strained to see if I could hear those beautiful words in the distance that were not only my first words, but could possibly guide me home or at least near a high-class civilization. 
We once loaded our buggy with about fifty 300-page trivia books that were on clearance really cheap.  They were all the same book, but we had fifty of them in case a hurricane came along and blew forty-nine of them away.  We were set on trivia knowledge for years.

You would be very surprised at the amount of useless knowledge that takes up space in my head.

Our car was so old and loud at the time, though, that it gave our competitor clearance shoppers notice that we were on our way with our clearance money.  They could hear our car from a few miles away, so that gave them about a five minute jump on the good clearance. 

My job was to just grab as much as I could as fast as I could.  It was cheap enough that it didn't matter what it was.  

I don't always make the right decisions in life.  Sometimes I wish that I could just plug that GPS up to my brain and let it guide the way.  I know that I have a brain because I was in a serious accident when I was 22 and everyone told me how relieved they were when the doctor did a brain scan and said I had a brain.  I knew I did.   How else would I know important information?
I have gotten a few speeding tickets (ahhh...that's where the cops are--watching me) because I don't know how to use my cruise control and because I speed.  Take this as a word of advice:
Whatever you do, don't tell them you are friends with the A-Team.  That just doesn't go in the direction you think it would.  They also don't like it when you ask them, "What is the option where I don't get a ticket?" I have found out the hard way that a cop's "happy face," his "I'm gonna give you a ticket face" and his "I'm about to throw you into my squad car face" are eerily similar.  

But whatever you do, don't abandon humor altogether.  Humor is your friend.  Mostly not in the back of a squad car.

I do pay a hefty price for my actions.  I need a Global Positioning System to guide me and to help me make the right decisions.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not out there robbing banks, lately. 


But I'm also not perfect.  

At the end of the day, if I take a wrong turn somewhere, I would like for people to be there to say it is OK and realize that just because I accidentally rerouted myself that I am worth reprogramming and guiding in the right direction.  I know where I am going.

Getting there is the hard part. 
Everything we do has a consequence, just like me and my collection of traffic tickets that may be actual collectibles one day.  I hope to never justify my wrongs and maybe slow down a bit (a lot) in my wrongness of things. Most importantly, I hope the fact that people give up on me doesn't affect my ability to believe or never give up on them.  I don't want their weaknesses to lead me down the same road.  Give up on me, I still won't give up on you.  

If I did, I would just be lost, again. 

Note to self:
    Stop at cookie factory...num, num, num!








  submit to reddit

82 comments:

  1. Tittles are only called tittles when they are dots. I knew a girl in High School who thought the name 'tittle' was dirty, so she purposefully made circles over her i's.

    Oh, and for a great way to get out of a speeding ticket, hit up your local thrift store and look for an old Monopoly game. A 'get out of jail free' card has been my savior at least a half-dozen times!

    ReplyDelete
  2. My head is spinning...but I brake for cookies too!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Brightened up my night woman....thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  4. This made my night! I can go to bed with a grin and a chuckle. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. This post made me glad I woke up this morning! This line, "Getting lost is a lot like changing a diaper. You don't always know what you are going to find and usually it is the unexpected, " is pure genius.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Im looking for someone to write a guest post for my blog. Check me out if you are at all interested! Spread the word! Cheers!
    http://missbitchxox.blogspot.com

    xox

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hahah I learned the shoelace/tittle thing from buzzfeed, and the john wilkes booth thing from cracked. Oh, wonderful time wastey internet things.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I will not give up on you despite you being opposed to pickles. But I see how it is. That's kind of jacked up. You don't like pickles despite the benefit to society. That's on you. Hopefully you do some self-reflection and see how awesome pickles are and the pickle process is. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops! Yes, pickles are a good thing...they have amazing blogs.

      Delete
  9. Hahaha great vocabulary at the end of the post! Also, the word "recalculating" from a GPS is the worst! I instantly cringe and look to it in worry as I ponder what I did wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow you are amazing - I have no idea to how to do what you do! You are so funny. I hope you had a great 4th. sandie

    ReplyDelete
  11. I would love to watch Jeopardy with you. My professional title is a Navigator. I need one for myself frequently.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hmmm . . . I think I was following you today. In a totally non-stalking way, of course. Did you stop at the bake shop and then get a ticket? I know you probably thought the cop just wanted one of your cookies but I have to tell you that speeding is frowned upon. And speeding through a dry cleaners is universally disagreed with. I think you need a new GPS . . . :)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thanks for filling my head with this important information. You might also add that Admiral Nelson suffered terribly from seasickness.

    ReplyDelete
  14. LOL thanks for the life advice. Subliminal message.

    I could say that I'm lost, but I guess I'm just driving on the other side of the road.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I knew the thing about Charlie Chaplin, I think that's quite well known. But thanks for the useless trivia. I do actually quite enjoy useless trivia. When I finally start driving, I'm going to need a gps, I have a terrible sense of direction. It would be nice if we could have them in life, but I think that would also take the fun out of it. Also, never let the weakness of others make you weak :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. No wonder they call it a Happy Meal

    ReplyDelete
  17. Epic post! It's like wine rolled in Nutella and Oreo cookie crumbs then sprinkled with hundred dollar bills! (but you know, not so sticky)

    You are the funniest person I know. If Jerry Seinfeld and Lucille Ball sat down and wrote out a cartoon blog, this is what it would be (well, Lucille Ball is dead, so I guess Jerry would be forced to channel her and do all the work).

    xxo
    MOV

    ReplyDelete
  18. The wheels on the texting car looked like eye balls and I have expected a flying reptile to be on the attack in the next picture. There is no such thing as useless trivia, I read that somewhere...
    love your stuff!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I used a GPS system once, and was lost for two hours. There I was, going in circles, listening to this calm voice informing me she was recalculating while I was having a full-blown panic attack. By the time I go to my destination, everyone there was already drunk, which is usually when I leave because I don't drink. Never again!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I can never figure out how people text while driving. I have a hard enough time when I am sitting on my couch!

    And...there is an award for you on my blog :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Great post. Gotta be careful with the settings on GPSs. We were on our way to visit a daughter in Montana and spend 16 miles on a dirt road. It was a good dirt road, but still. Come on!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I like pickles. But do you know what are so, so wrong? Pickled eggs. They're just a million kinds of wrong.

    Thanks for the morning laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I love the different cop faces...very funny. The use humor sparingly with cops is very smart advice. I used to be a 911 dispatcher and my experience is 99.99 percent of cops have 0 percent sense of humor.

    I love the thought of having a GPS hooked to my brain. I haven't ever had a brain scan though and there isn't concrete proof that I have one. How lucky you were to have an accident.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I sure wish I had your GPS, which is MUCH more entertaining than my humdrum boring thang.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Ketchup as medicine? Wow must do a body good hahaha. Yeah those GPS settings can be dangerous.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Be cautious of that GPS; I once had one tell me to turn left where there was no road, just a lake!

    ReplyDelete
  27. You're too incredibly funny, CYW. Wanna cookie? Turn right. ":)

    ReplyDelete
  28. I think it's funny to consider the possibility that dynamite must have that little warning tag that says it is manufactured in a factory that processes peanuts. So that way explosives experts with peanut allergies would know not to handle it. And they would only get to handle the the soy dynamite and their boss would always bitch about how Joe can't work on any of the dynamite cases because of his "peanut allergies" and he'd do the air quotes and then get fired because he was insensitive to people with disabilities.

    Maybe I extrapolated too much from that useful trivia you provided.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I wish my GPS had find cookies feature! Wonder if there's an app for that? I actually did know a few of your important trivia facts. I'm quite convinced that i used up most of my memory with that type of stuff when i was younger and that's why i can't remember anything these days. I wish i could delete some of the crap in my brain!

    ReplyDelete
  30. My GPS works just like Sesame Street's. Which really means, I don't have one, but who is looking.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I personally like a little shrek with my cucumbers...num, num, num!

    ReplyDelete
  32. My last comment wasn't anything spectacular.

    I know exactly what you mean about the whereabouts of cops. I've been pulled over for "looking suspicious" and flashing my high beams at someone who was driving with their highbeams on the opposite side of the road. The cops are always there in those instances. Yet, when I see a guy weaving in and out of traffic with no blinker, there is never a cop around.

    Anyway, my GPS has the ordinary woman's voice with the English accent, but I knew someone who downloaded Jack Nicholson's voice. It was pretty great.

    Hilarious post, as always!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't know you can download people's voices...shouldn't have told me that!

      Delete
  33. Crap, now my head is filled with useless, nay, important trivia.

    ReplyDelete
  34. You can even down load Yoda's voice on your GPS from what I hear. I just have a British guy. We call him Nigel...Nigel frequently takes me around my ass to get to my elbow, but he always gets me where I need to go in the end. And thanks for all of the fun facts. I may need to use those on my husband later on tonight. He is always full of strange facts. Maybe I can out trivia him tonight :)

    ReplyDelete
  35. In the Mr. T voice, "Turn around foo!"

    Great post, always a laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  36. i love your blog. thank you for writing. :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. Wowza! You sure do pack a lot into one post! You have at least two months worth of brilliant material here! I'm so glad that you don't use "humor sparingly!". Julie

    ReplyDelete
  38. I love the random little facts. I can add them to my collection of useless junk I know.

    Very nice post. (=

    ReplyDelete
  39. I need to look for that car in Ben Hur. I loved all the interesting facts! Fun stuff. :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Fantastic. I have really enjoyed your pages. Thank-You so much for the lovely comments left on my blog. Hugs from Scotland. Rita xx

    ReplyDelete
  41. Haha you are right! Great minds really do think alike!

    ReplyDelete
  42. They do not STILL have blue-light specials do they? Really?

    ReplyDelete
  43. I'm not sure a GPS would help me. They seem to lack in common sense. Mind you, so do I... but my lack of sense makes sense to me. If that makes sense?

    ReplyDelete
  44. You brightened my day just a tittle. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  45. Those GPS things cause more accidents than they prevent. They can be so distracting

    ReplyDelete
  46. great minds great desires
    nice post

    ReplyDelete
  47. OMG, this is just too funny! Now, that bit about the texting - I pulled up next to a young lady who was texting while attempting to drive, BLASTED my car horn, and when she looked, I pointed at her phone and said, "PUT. THAT. DOWN!" Believe it or not, she did. Probably not for long, but at least long enough for me to get out of her path of destruction. Dang kids.....Now, where IS that cookie factory......

    ReplyDelete
  48. Ms. T ~ I shall know, KNOW it is indeed you & who you are if you ever come driving into Green Bay! I've been blessed not have been directionally challenged. Except for not being a 5'11" tall global fashion model, that is.
    * * *
    A few times I have gotten distracted, not payed attention, but it isn't 'lost' for long, always been able to find my way back.
    * * *
    An actual GPS system in my truck would be the ruination of me, I just know it. I enjoyed reading your post, had me 'smiling BIG' today. I'm your friend @grammakaye on twitter.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Thanks for the laugh. I need a GPS to find my way out of the ladies bathroom in shopping malls

    ReplyDelete
  50. Oh your posts make me laugh Tracie ... once I was so well and truly lost and trying to get back into the City. There was no where to pull over - well there probably was but I was so hysterical I couldn't see anywhere! Anyway, I decided to follow a car that looked like it might be going where I wanted to ... it didn't, and I won't do that again :D)

    ReplyDelete
  51. Now that use a GPS, I feel more comfortable if it's with me even when I go to places I already know.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Hi, although your post is humorous and makes me laugh . . . the points are very factual and as far as people DOING EVERYTHING BUT DRIVING . . . WHILE THEY ARE DRIVING . . . DRIVES ME INSANE.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog and for the lovely comments on my re-purposed projects. Have a wonderful week and be on guard while driving, Connie :)

    ReplyDelete
  53. Ha! Love your humor. And thanks for your comment and following my blog.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Wonderfully presented post. You are such a creative writer, it was a pleasure reading. I try not to speed, I really don't want to endure traffic school. I enjoyed reading your trivia facts. Thank you following and your
    Lovely comments. I am very pleased to follow you. Have a great day. Linda

    ReplyDelete
  55. This is hilarious! I saw your name on my GFC as a follower--I just joined yours as well but it appears under the name Marcia Doyle. just so you know it's me! Thanks again for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  56. Very humorous, informative and humorous. I like pickles so don't be hatin' the Shrek nuggets...now I must go and remove some blype, I hate that.

    ReplyDelete
  57. HAHA No wonder I have not been myself I have not had a fix lately from you.
    Good advice especially on where not to store your license and registration. Even reaching for them in the glove box should be done cautiously. haha
    As Always I leave here with a big smile on my face.
    Love
    Maggie

    ReplyDelete
  58. I drove up and down California using a GPS in a rental hybrid and it was AWESOME. At first it was annoying but there's no way I would have navigated through LA without it.

    Google Earth is like crack to me. Why do I love seeing where I am on a satellite so much? I could see the same thing, but like, clearer, if I just open my front door.

    Who knows...

    But an Olympics with us trying to fit into our pants would be awesome only if you get a prize for losing the worst and if the prize is Nutella for you and Cheese for me.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Great blog with lots of humor! People who text while driving take such ridiculous risks, I just can't understand it. I'm still GPS-less and lost most of the time. When I finally invest in one, I predict "redirecting" will be the most frequent word the thing utters. Ha!

    ReplyDelete
  60. We actually bought a GPS when we were driving around lost. My favorite thing about it is the ability to set it to ridiculous voices.

    ReplyDelete
  61. Who needs to fill their brains with junk like math and science when you can fill it with useless trivia?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like...there are more Mens Rooms at Disney World then in Afghanistan,

      Delete
  62. I really like this post. It's creative.

    I’m nominating you to receive the Versatile Blogger Award(check out my new blog post for the rules) – please ignore if you’ve received it before.

    ReplyDelete
  63. I learned some interesting things reading your post. Sometimes, I think I need some rewiring done to my internal GPS. Texting while driving is just crazy, which tells me we also have some crazy folks on my side of the world.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Here I am at the end of the stream of comments again. But this I have an excuse. I'm in France attending a wedding, have fun, drinking LOTS of wine, eating LOTS of cheese ... Fun stuff.

    I get it about the GPS. If would be cool if we could hook our lives up to a GPS. Then when we veil off course, as you said, it would recalculate our direction. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GPS can go scratch when you have wine to drink.
      Gotta keep an eye on that cheese, though. It binds.
      And some of it smells like feet.

      Delete
  65. LOL! I'd love to have GPS for my life. I get off track so often, it'd be a great investment!

    ReplyDelete
  66. Mmm...expired creamed corn, cookies and pickles. I think I might be pregnant...no wait...stoned?...no, wait....I forget. I need a GPS chip implanted in my skull because I get lost stepping off the elevator. Given two directions, I will ALWAYS choose the wrong one. Oh, and I'd like my GPS voice to be Johnny Depp's. What is that accent he's got anyway? It's fantastic! Shit, if he were my GPS voice, I wouldn't even give a shit which direction I was going. Stellar post, Crack!

    ReplyDelete
  67. I would live to record an alternate GPS voice, even though I really like the English woman's voice (it's pretty cool to hear someone like Princess Diana-without the being dead part-say 'recalculating').
    I'd opt for whiny, know-it-all teenager:
    "What!? Uhhh...geez, Dad!! Why are we going THIS way!!??"
    "Okay...sigh....let me figure something else out for you!!"
    "What, no, uh, huh?? NOW what!?"
    "Great, sure, don't pay attention to me. Alrighhhhtttt, go THIS way!!"
    "BUSINESS route?? Really??? Dumbass!!!"
    "Not the SCENIC way!! I want to get to the mall before I die!!"
    "Oh, sure, you're on your own now!!!'
    "Whatever!!"
    And then the GPS shuts off.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Hi, it's me again. I just wanted to thank you for stopping by and taking my little vintage trailer tour.
    Have a great day, Connie :)

    ReplyDelete
  69. Somehow I follow you on twitter but I don't remember ever reading your blog. I was a little apprehensive noticing how long the post was but it was enjoyable. I could probably place third in chocolate eating if it was in the olympics.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Haha, yes. I've always thought that I need a GPS with Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice. That would be great.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Diapers always provide what you least expected. You prepare for a nasty poopy diaper and turns out it's only wet. You prepare for just a wet one and you get the spawn of satan!

    I think all cops are programmed to hate me. They all are just dying to arrest me every time I come in contact with one!

    ReplyDelete
  72. Good stuff.

    How often do they ;et you out of the asylum?


    cranky old man

    ReplyDelete
  73. Even with a GPS, I still get lost. I am so directionally challenged that the only thing that makes sense is for me to take public transportation or let Paul drive. Paul is my GPS and I can always count on him to get me where I need to be. And that place is usually in his arms.

    ReplyDelete
  74. Fitting into jeans should be an Olympic sport, timed of course, with style points for especially creative contortionists.

    ReplyDelete
  75. A rat may survive longer than a camel without water, but its rubbish at carrying my bags across the Serengeti

    ReplyDelete
  76. I am jealous of all your very important fact-knowledge. I must start reading more trivia thingies.

    ReplyDelete
  77. I love your blog and have followed it. I hope you can find the time to return the favor. I'd really appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete