Friday, July 13, 2012

Adventures in Being Complicated in Wal-Mart

My life can be particularly complicated, like when I am trying to give birth in Wal-Mart or in a barn with no medical or adult supervision and either a small child or a large baby monkey keeps throwing bananas at me.


My water broke in Wal-Mart. Yes, the birthing water stuff, not the bottled water stuff.  I have popped a water bottle in Wal-Mart.  Two different spills.


It began in the back of the store, in Sporting Goods.  I knew that I was having a boy, so I was just a little eager to buy him a football.  When my water broke, I didn't know what was happening, so I nonchalantly walked from department to department hiding in the aisles.  I had "wet pants syndrome."  


I singlehandedly turned the entire store into a lake.  Ducks and everything.
The store employees actually would not let me leave. I think they were afraid I would flood my town and cause mass chaos.  I was held hostage.  I think they also wanted my baby because he was going to be awesome.  You know what it feels like after you have been wading around in the swamp all day and you just want dry, warm clothing while not standing around in Wal-Mart? Yeah, I felt like that.
Facebook wasn't around then or I would have gotten ALL of the "likes" that day.   Yep, they were as good as mine.  I feel old now just thinking that Mark Zuckerberg was probably in Kindergarden at the time.  He was busy drawing thumbs.
Now, he is old enough to go to Wal-Mart himself.

I worked as a radio personality at a radio station before I had my son.  I had to be funny on air whether I was funny or not.  There was no time to think.  Being funny is an art, like dancing, except there is no music (ever), no choreography and no combination of me ever shall be a comedian.  My handle was "Foxy T."


Besides the fact that my last name was "Fox" at the time, I was very foxy, but mostly my last name was "Fox." When I am nervous, my comedy skills come out, like skunks and possums do at night, only with my comedy the mange and rabies are usually not involved


I always thought that comedy would be my ticket out of the flophouse.  It wasn't.  


So, there I stood trapped in Wal-Mart...battered, wet and million-dollarless hiding in the women's bathroom because the people greeter was blocking the door.  I had only one prayer.
I actually had a different vision about where my baby's birth was to take place.
I don't always hit a homerun with comedy and I am OK with that.  There have even been times where I have walked into a room, tried to be funny and the room became completely bereft of laughter.  


I had sucked any and all life sources even remotely related to happiness or laughter out of the room.  


Crickets didn't even bother chirping.  I can't swear by it, but I think a mouse shot me the finger once.  Not a good finger.  The bad one. 


At least I try and if I fail, I try again.  I know people who won't even post on Facebook because they are afraid that their "friends" will laugh at them.  Well, either they aren't really your "friends" or you are afraid to try.  Maybe both.


If I had lived in medieval France they would probably have had one of those people reading a scroll to me. A scroll reader person.
I can't say that my shopping trip that day rekindled my lifelong love affair of laying on a wet bathroom floor, though. 
It's not nearly as fun as you think it would be.  I did have the capacity to be like a normal person and get to the hospital when my water broke instead of being in a Mexican Standoff in the bathroom of Wal-Mart with the Wal-Mart employees.  


As I lay on the floor and no one around me was laughing, I knew then, that this was serious. 


Even the spiders crawling around on the floor were unusually well-behaved.



I metaphorically began to make a "deal with the devil."  By "devil," I mean the manager and by "metaphorically" I mean I sat there and cried like a baby and begged and pleaded for them to let me go.  Finally, they got a hold of someone who would come and pick me up.  I had to leave my car there.


Life doesn't always seem to go into the direction I would like it to go into, but I had my beautiful baby boy.  I know that he is here just to replace me.  Out with the old and in with the new.  


And I'm OK with that, too.  Things do get better. 


I am in this continual state of remote disbelief that the supply of well-behaved parents was exhausted and Someone made a bet on me that I would do a good job as a parent.  



I admit that my comedy skills and my parenting skills can always be called into question, but the fact that my son is an amazing person and I am the luckiest person on the face of this Earth never will be.


My son never did play football.
  



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75 comments:

  1. Gosh I miss your posts it seems like ti has been forever. I would totally pay to see your comedy tour and not let anyone hold you hostage in the bathroom if and only if you felt like you had to retreat there :}

    have a great weekend and thanks for the amazing posts I loved it and Foxy T I am glad your son wasn't born in Wal-Mart either :}

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  2. Good one girl, do the waters breaking hurt?

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    1. Haha no, it is the same as peeing all over yourself and not realizing it until you have already flooded a small city.

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  3. good thing they let you go. If your son were born in the store, WalMart would have become his legal guardian. Doomed to life as a greeter... or price roll-backer

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  4. Ohmygosh. That is probably the best "This is where I went into labor" stories ever.

    (It doesn't matter that I never heard any other's. Your story just wins, even though I'm sure that it was not fun.)

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  5. Well I'm glad the little guy wasn't born in a Wal-Mart bathroom. Though it would have been a great weapon to use to cause embarrassment in later life. They could have at least called an ambulance. I thought that was the standard procedure.

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    1. The thing was, Mark, I wasn't in labor at the moment so there was no need to call an ambulance. They didn't want me driving. However, I didn't live far and just wanted to go home and change before I went to the hospital.

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  6. You try. If you fail, you try again. Courage and resilience, love it!
    xo

    yes costco is a better choice...

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  7. Your comedy skills are divine!

    I laughed throughout this whole thing, but my favorite was the Walmart, Welcome to Us block. "Nevermind! Whole Store Clean-up!" So hysterical :)

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  8. You, my dear,have led an un-dull life indeed!
    Di
    x

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  9. AWESOMELY funny!!!!! You probably have a panic attack every time you see a Wal-Mart. My water broke during my all time favorite TV show- The Brady Bunch. Now the theme song is my ring tone on my cell phone.

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  10. You're an excellent comedian, that's for sure. Alas, I don't have a million dollars.

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  11. Girl, it takes a special bravery to lay on the floor in a Walmart bathroom. This was a hoot!

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  12. Wow, I didn't know Walmart cared like that.they certainly never seem interested in helping me find the cupcake liners...or any other in stock item! Glad you made it out!

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  13. So what you're saying is: if I see a woman lying in a puddle of water ón Wal-Mart's bathroom floor, I should help her up and assist her in making a run for the exit door?

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  14. All I can think of is Beyonce in that terrible Austin Powers movie saying "FOXEEEEE."

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  15. Wow, what a story. Reminds me of the film that I can't remember the name of but the baby was born at the Walmart and some hot guy jumped through a window. I guess he forgot how to use a door in a moment of panic. Well, glad things turned out and you got a great son out of it.

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  16. What an experience! A Walmart near-near miss!

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  17. That's kinda creepy, that they would not let you leave. It's like a horror movie, only one of them Twilight zone ones where the monster is ourselves. OR WalMart.

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  18. Another good reason not to shop at Wal Mart. Funny story.

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  19. Great story! And I'd be more than happy to pay you $1,000,000* to do stand-up at my next birthday party.;)

    S

    *Just don't try to cash the check until I give you the word my Lottery pay-out has arrived, OK?

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  20. Hmmm now I will avoid wal-marts in the states for sure, oh so scary haha and a million bucks, care to share?

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  21. Hahah wow! What a place to have your water break. Ooof.

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  22. Mark Zuckerberg drawing thumbs in kindergarten? I seriously want to live in your brain for a day to see how you come up with this! Great stuff. And I KNEW Walmart always wanted my babies. Thank you for validating my suspicions. Joe thought I was crazy. I'm also glad to read your son was worth all this grief! Football or no.

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  23. I really enjoyed this post, Tracie! Very funny! :)

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  24. OH MY GOD. WALMART!?!??! Really!?!? you poor poor thing... it's like that movie Where the heart is...where Natalie portman has her baby in walmart. Your life is a MOVIE!

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  25. I think I might be able to provide you with a scamp one million dollars. I've called my two year old that on occasion, but just to be sure, I Wikipedia'd it: "A mischievous perhaps roguish person, especially a playful, impish youngster." So, a "scamp million" would be something akin to monopoly money? Or maybe, counterfeit bills (harder for me to swing, but probably easier than a real million dollars. Given your comedy skills, might be worth the effort).

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    1. Haha you are great! It also means quick, though hardly used like that but at this point monopoly money sounds great!

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  26. I don't have any kids yet because of how my husband is dumb and is always saying dumb things like "house in the suburbs" "financially stable" "blah blah blah" "I am dumb" (well that last one may have been me pretending to be him.)

    But I am almost positive that when I do have kids, my water will break at an inopportune moment. Because every time whoever runs this whole universe shebang gets a chance to throw me a ridiculous moment, they do.

    P.S. Leave The Coins (laughing for days)

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    1. One's water doesn't always break in a strange place at the worst time. When I had my first child, the doctor had to break my water when I was well into labor. When I had my second child, my water broke of its own accord, but I was in labor and in the hospital. We don't all have exciting and funny water breaking stories.

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    2. Some lucky person got my plug.

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  27. There's a book called "Where The Heart Is" about a young woman who is pregnant and abandoned by the baby's father at . . . you guessed it, Wal-Mart. She manages to live there without anyone noticing, and you'll never believe where she has her baby. I think the book is partly based on your story because famous funny people always end up in books.

    Love,
    Janie

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  28. Luckily my water broke at home in the middle of the night. Someone once asked me how you know your water broke. Well, it's like you have warm water coming out and you can't stop it. Not like you can when you're peeing.

    Another funny post, Tracie! :) Keep em coming!

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    1. You can stop your pee from coming out? Wow! I'm impressed.

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  29. Very funny. I doubt that your comedy skills are called into question very often.

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  30. Oh, dear. I can't think of a worse place to give birth, except maybe a crack house. :/ Enjoyed the story and glad to hear your son turned out awesome!

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  31. I am SO glad you discovered my blog which meant that I could discover your blog. HILARIOUS and so well written :)

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  32. I agree with Amelia, You really can't make these thing up, haha! Thanks for adding me as well!

    - Ian

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  33. That is crazy! Basically, they kidnapped you. One of the most bizarre tales I've ever read...and the fact that it is true? Weird!

    I'm glad everything went OK in the end! I always wanted to do stand up too, but I'm only funny when I least expect it! Sometimes when I really shouldn't be too! :-0

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  34. Ha! dang that sucks, pretty much A LOT. Glad you didnt have him on the floor or even worse the toilet of a walmart and damn those people for not letting you leave, that's terrible!

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  35. As always, there are waaay too many best bits to pick out. Seriously, each one can stand out as a post in their own right.
    I must say though, that the picture of the person looking out from underneath the bathroom stall had me in fits of laughter! :D

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  36. I had my son the day after I graduated from college. As I waddled up to get my diploma, I was praying all the way, "Don't let my water break! Don't let my water break!"
    When I got up there and lunged onto the stage, the presenter grinned, handed me my diploma, and said, "Congratulations to...uh...BOTH of you." Next day, here came my son. Took him about half an hour. All told. The doctor didn't even have time to hop into her scrubs. My hubs just barely got the car parked. They couldn't believe I was still smiling. I told them, "Hey, that thing's getting OUT of here today!" I love my son...:o)

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  37. LOL! you made a seemingly difficult situation look funny! you never fail to make me smile! (by the way, i've been through the water breaking situation, but luckily i got help sonner....and i was way too panicky to see any humour in it!)

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  38. Thanks for stopping by to say HI! You're too funny!
    30 years ago when I took lamaze - the instructor said that at the end of pregnacy, when you go into the grocery store to go get a bottle of vinager first thing. She said that it isn't uncommon for a girl's water to break since she is up and walking and usually trying to get that last meal in before having the baby. Then when your water breaks - pour the vinager on the floor and it will mask the smell of your fluid you can get out of there and to the hospital - fast. If you make it out with water intact- don't ring up the vinager and let the cashier put it away.
    Lastly---- be glad that your boy didn't play football. My 2 girlfriends were each basketcases while their sons played football in high school. I can't imagine sitting there in the the stands watching big ole yahoos attaching your boy and jumping on top of them. One boy has terrible knees now - four surgeries and he's only 26.

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  39. I never go to walmart but you're very talented here and funny too. I like how you put this all together it's very unique for a blog. Have a great week at Wal-Mart Perhaps?

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  40. Thanks for the warning to stay out of Walmart I will pass this along to my daughter who is due to give birth In November.

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  41. I was trapped in a Wally World earlier today... I am not pregnant, and they didn't trap me in the bathroom, but I couldn't leave without a receipt for a large item that couldn't be bagged (paper towels) and the register kept printing blank receipts. I was stuck at the "express checkout" register for a good 15 minutes (it may have been longer), just standing there while all the other express checkout people gave me dirty looks for causing a line.

    I knew I shouldn't have gone in there. I KNEW it.

    I also had to pee, but I absolutely refused to use their bathroom. By the time I left, I was a little worried I was about to become a wet cleanup myself.

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    1. That same thing happened to me. They wouldn't let me leave with the paper towels (of course it was the biggest pack they had). They wouldn't contact the cashier either. I was so exhausted I just left them and took my loss.

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  42. If I ever get knocked up, I plan on breaking my water at Tiffany's. I'll just jump up and down until it pops. That's how it happens, no? Anyway, Tiffany's will probably send me loads of diamonds after that because it's the decent thing to do, and I'll become a millionaire.

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  43. Seriously, I had nightmares LAST NIGHT that I was pregnant and my water broke in walmart (Ironically with number 3 I was single and when I woke up with contractions, my Mother took me to Walmart to "walk" - Dude it was January, I was going NOWHERE outside lol) and I was SO freaked out the whole time that I'd get "Wet pants syndrome" lmao..... I don't even know why I had nightmares about it, no more babies for me! How Ironic that I found your blog today though, hehe!

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  44. Seriously, I had nightmares LAST NIGHT that I was pregnant and my water broke in walmart (Ironically with number 3 I was single and when I woke up with contractions, my Mother took me to Walmart to "walk" - Dude it was January, I was going NOWHERE outside lol) and I was SO freaked out the whole time that I'd get "Wet pants syndrome" lmao..... I don't even know why I had nightmares about it, no more babies for me! How Ironic that I found your blog today though, hehe!

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  45. Hello! Did you mean a "scant" one million dollars? As in, just a small bit o' chump change...? Because I do believe that a "scamp" is a rascal.

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    1. It can mean quick and that is what I actually meant, but it is not really used that way much so I went ahead and changed it. Thanks!

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  46. Well I love Wal-Mart, but that's coz I'm a Brit and I shop there about 12 times a year, so it's still all a big novelty to me. I haven't seen anyone pissing in their pants or whatever so far, but it would make for a more exciting shopping trip I suppose, as long I wasn't asked to clear up the mess. Okay I'm sounding a bit harsh, it must have been a cringe making situation to be in. I think I would have gone for the rubber pants option. Although maybe that's just a bit kinky really.

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  47. Costco has pretty nice bathrooms for a retail store, so I got a good chuckle from that joke. Everytime I walk into a walmart one, stuff all over the floor, dirty messages in permanent ink on the walls and stalls, and it never ever gets clean except maybe once a week.

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  48. I think long time ago it was standard procedure that if you had a kid in aplane you would fly free for life, so I guess if you have a kid at Walmart that would entitled them to give you free groceries or at the very least free diapers don't you think?

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    1. I was very shocked, considering the huge deal they made, that I was given nothing. Only a swift kick.

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  49. If you get a gig for 1 million dollars, I will warm up the crowd for you for a bargain price of FREE if you pay for flights :)

    There are worse places to be born than walmart, nothing comes to mind straight away, but how about Afghanistan? Imagine the visa complications...

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  50. Poor you! Costco definitely would've been a better place to give birth.

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  51. Oh, my! So, after all that, they did let you leave, at least... And you have a boy that hopefully knows about Mom's blog. Or, maybe not. Heh.

    Cat

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  52. HAHAHA!! I am seriously laughing at this and I think it is so freaking funny how you explained about your water breaking in the Wal-Mart and begging the manager to LET YOU GO!! That totally rocks!!
    What a great story, and I'm honestly smiling right now! Thanks! :-)

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  53. Lol, i liked the idea of a special hospital/castle reserved for pregnant comediennes.I wonder why the manager wanted to keep you around maybe he wanted to start a marketing campaign around childrens dolls and your live birth was the star show. Or maybe they ran out of water on a clean up on aisle four type deal and they saw a gift horse.

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  54. Hahaha... Damn you woman!!! I'm mad at the husband and sitting here trying to act all cold and emotionless and here you are making me struggle to control the laughter attempting to fall out of my face!!!! Lol

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  55. Good thing you were at Walmart. Can you imagine..."Attention, K-Mart shoppers..."

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  56. Did you at least name the baby Walt or Wally or Marty or some form of Wal-Mart? Do you need the million dollars up front or can I pay you in installments? Say $10,000 a year for 100 years?

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  57. Shopping at Walmart and buying bottled water both can wreck your karma, unless you're not a liberal. Then I guess it's okay. I wet my pants when I sneeze but that's just an old-lady thing, and you can do it in Whole Foods as well as anywhere.

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  58. I conceived my son at Target, does that count? No. . .no, I didn't. But is it odd that this is a fantasy of mine?

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  59. Hilarious as always :) And as an L&D nurse, I found it even more amusing. Glad you didn't have your baby in Walmart. At least you could pick up a few towels and some flip flops on your way out. Oh, and you had a legitimate reason to leave a puddle all over the store, not just a three year old girl who peed through her big girl panties while wearing a dress, and a mommy that chose to bolt and leave the clean up to the Target crew :) I did throw a couple of wipes down first...
    http://mommypluscoffee.blogspot.com/2012/07/drop-cloths-elbow-length-gloves-hazmat.html
    http://mommypluscoffee.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-coffee-pot-died.html
    -Heidi

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  60. As always funny, I love reading your blog... very thrilled your son was not born in a Walmart... ;)

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  61. I will hire you to do stand up. I can't pay one million dollars, but we could charge $1 per person, and if a million people come, there you go. It could just be me there also. But, what other chances do you have to make between one and one million dollars? Maybe the lottery, or if a rich relative dies. Actually, it may be easier to just hire me to "take care of" any rich relatives. I look forward to hearing from you.

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