Craigslist: Concussion Man Wanted
Some people are just surpassingly wrong.
My greatest wish is for people to stop doing wrong. I've often thought about being a superhero. Of course, you know, I'm still gonna fight crime in my pajama pants. My superheroism will be just like "The Avengers" movie--minus Robert Downey, jr, the other stars (I don't know their names but that doesn't matter as Robert Downey, jr. was the only one that mattered), special effects and safety regulations.
I will need a sidekick.
I realize that in order to curb my truly impressive powers that I will have to have some type of flaw or weakness that is small, hidden and rarely encountered, much like Kryptonite is to Superman.
I have thought about being a Substitute Teacher instead of a Superhero.
My superpowers tend to come out when I walk into a spiderweb. Every kind of ninja known to mankind surfaces from me in those moments. A spiderweb grabbed me once like I owed it a hundred bucks. What I hate about spiderwebs is that other people can't see them because they are virtually invisible, so to any people watching me, it looks like I "just snapped."
Snakes and spiders are my other kryptonites. I fainted once in front of a spider. People rushed to my rescue and at first I felt good about that, but I am pretty sure I heard someone saying this:
Ironically, that was one of my closest friends who said that to me. Whether she was joking or not, it hurt at the time, plus, I still remember it.
Even though over the years I have built fame (hmmm...) and fortune, my best bowls still say Kool-Whip on the side and I haven't forgotten where I have come from or where I am going. Where I came from, I will never go back. Where I am going is in a positive direction. I hope to never hurt my friends so I tend to say only uplifting things.
Also for wedding gifts, they get a really nice set of matching Kool-Whip bowls from me.
I've often thought of playing the game "Let's See How Crazy I Am Now," but I am a bit afraid of what the answer may be for me.
In the budget category of "free," I would like to be the best superhero I can be. I hope to one day have my "Concussion Man" at my side fighting crime with me, but for right now I feel that the best that I can do (once again "free") is to build up those around me and hope to make their day just a bit brighter.
Did I mention free? My said skills don't seem to pay the bills.
I promise to you, as my beloved reader, to make your day just a bit better and that is my greatest superhero power.
HAVE A GREAT WEEK!
P.S. I need to brag on a GREAT friend of mine who was just featured in a magazine for a book that she wrote. PLEASE PLEASE check her blog out and show her some Crack You Whip love! The book is one of the funniest I have ever read and wouldn't recommend it if it weren't. CLICK HERE to check out her site. And thanks for all of the amazing comments week after week, you guys mean the world to me!
I will check out the site! And I hope you find your Concussion Man sidekick!
ReplyDeleteYou are so my superhero--spiderwebs notwithstanding.
ReplyDeleteI also turn into a ninja when a spider web attacks me. People think I'm crazy anyways so flailing (ahem) using my ninja skills doesn't really affect anyone.
ReplyDeleteYour friend is on my giant list of blogs to check out that I am determined to eventually finish! (It would help if I read faster than people are suggesting blogs. lol)
Good luck finding your sidekick, by the way!
Is the concussion part negotiable?
ReplyDeleteWell, I would have to change the name and all from Concussion Man...
Deletelets see...morals, yes. Can fix stuff, yes. But i have worn plaid, look more old than cute, and have no concussion, but i'm really, really tired. Should i bother to send a resume? :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if the plaid part is negotiable. I don't think I can bend from off of the concussion, either...
DeleteI kinda figured you had morals, though!
Checking out your friend (and I'm trying not to be weird about it)... Oh! It just opened and it's MOV :-)
ReplyDeleteCan Concussion Man actually be a woman? I want the job. I can go without plaid - but can't give up my polka dots. How would that work for you?
I think I'm sticking with a guy cause I need somebody to fix my stuff. Fixing my stuff is very important to me. Also, must have a concussion.
DeleteHa, thanks for the try though!
Ahh I was pretending not to notice the fixing stuff part. Definitely not in my line. *Sigh* better put my kilt back on (women wear them now - I checked!)
DeleteI wanted to be a superhero once, but developing my special powers didn't work out. I wanted to be telekinetic. My head hurt just trying to move a pencil.
ReplyDeletewhy dont you like the Iron Man ? is it just Robert Downey Jr ? hahaha.
ReplyDeleteyes snakes and spiders are my kryptonite too.
Oh my holy sweet potato with the Cool Whip bowls. This was so my house when I was growing up, and indeed my mother still squirrels away Cool Whip bowls like the company will stop making them tomorrow. Thanks for the unexpected nostalgia, it was fun.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of concussion man. Your side kick can knock out all the asshats for you while you are busy saving the world.
Oh man! I was so close on this one. If it weren't for the morals stipulation. I just wrote about being concussed, and the cut was on the same side as the one you drew. I say it's kismet.
ReplyDeleteThat's Ok Chris! If it makes you feel any better, I already knew your morals were lacking but still love your friendship!
DeleteI had one of those spider web incidents today. I was a buzz saw for about a minute then I looked about to see if anyone had noticed. Phew no one was around ....close one. Then I decided I deserved a nutella panini for fighting the evil (tiny) spider.... LOL. Love your post made me laugh ... I needed that. :)
ReplyDeleteNutella is one of my kryptonites as well. I, too, have those bowls. You'd be a much better superhero, though. I hope you find plaid-clad Concussion man soon.
ReplyDeleteWho is Craig?
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure who Craig is...I just know he has a list.
DeleteIf I had a concussion then I would want to be a part of your team. I don't have a concussion any more though :( Don't underestimate the power to make people smile either :)
ReplyDeleteHey Tracie,
ReplyDeleteAnother fabulous post, as always. Here is my favorite line:
"A spiderweb grabbed me once like I owed it a hundred bucks." So perfect. And I love the Kool-Whip bowls, nice touch.
I wanted to apply to be the sidekick because I am all about fighting crime for free and not being a subsititute teacher (although I was one once, *shudder*), but then I saw that it had to be a guy, a guy with a concussion, and also I am not so sure about the underwear costume thing. Plus I do like me some plaid from time to time (mostly shorts) but I understand that that is a dealbreaker. *sigh*
So I have a new sidekick roll for moi-- Cheerleader Blogger Gal! CBG for short. Yes, I am your number one fan and will totally keep cheering for you, whether you have a nose or not. (And I would definitely warn you in time to avoid spider webs because I have the superpower of seeing them glistening in the light-- it's a gift.)
On a tangent, I was so excited to check out the blogger you recommended and her book, and then I clicked over and it was ... ME?! WOWZA!! Thank you! YOU ROCK!
xxo xxoxoxoxooooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxoxoxooooo
MOV (you can call be CBG, and my uniform is ALSO pajama pants-- coincidence???)
He is actually wearing tights, but you can't see them because they are so tight.
DeleteSorry, you cannot be CBG...too many letters in your acronym.
My fault, I should have made it clearer on the Craigslist ad! Only two letters...
I will check out the site. I do think the world needs your superhero!
ReplyDeleteI think I just saw up in the sky...The Concussion Man Signal! I am sitting in my concussion man cave sipping a cold coffee when the phone rings. Good thing I have call waiting...
ReplyDeleteCraigs list is sometimes frequented by murderers and perverts; be careful in your search. I will now go check your friends site.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading this in my pajama pants right now! Could I have superhero powers too?
ReplyDeleteYou always lift me up with your positive energy. And just so you know, I drove thru the drive thru in my pink, fuzzy worn out "holey" PJ pants this morning just to get my latte and start blogging.
ReplyDeleteLOL yeah I'd be careful what you wish for on craigslist as I'm sure you can find it with all the weirdos on there.
ReplyDeleteWhat's wrong with plaid? :)
ReplyDeleteLast guy I dated wore plaid and that ended in a horrible train wreck. I blame the plaid.
DeleteCYW, I loved this post. You are too funny. I already know how to fix stuff, I just have to learn how to get a concussion. What colour is the cape? Can it have a Canadian maple leaf on it? Does it glow in the dark? ":)
ReplyDeleteRed cape. No maple leafs. I don't like syrup.
DeleteAlthough my tiny brain is in a permanent state of concussion, and I have morals, and I know how to fix things with my trusty butter knife, and I’m really cute in my caped formalwear jeans Super Earthling costume, and I work for free, I have two strikes against me--I’ve been known to wear plaid, and I’m already a superhero.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I’d be delighted to lend you one of my capes should the need arise. I designed them to wear with jeans, but I’ve also worn them with my fat pants (the result of too much Nutella), so I know they’d be super cute with pajama pants. :)
Thanks, superhero...you've saved my day. It's nice to laugh before I get out of bed.
ReplyDeleteI would apply but I'm already a super hero and always wear plaid. In fact, my sidekick is Blinded-by-Neon-Corduroy-Man. Don't go there.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I will check out your friends awesome book.
Haha thanks for the warning. I tend to stay away from Neon and Corduroy.
DeleteI must admit Nutella or Marite would be my Kryptonite as well, what would be a good rate of pay?
ReplyDeleteThe pay is just being my sidekick which is the same as free only better.
DeleteHahah good luck with finding concussion man! Check out football players, they get concussions all the time!
ReplyDeleteI've often thought bout being a substitute teacher...no real pressure on you in terms of results but you have the opportunity to add a little true education into their little lives. Like teaching them Plato or the life of Ché Guevara...
ReplyDeleteI used to pretend I was Underdog when I was a kid. Or maybe that was yesterday...
ReplyDeleteHey, do you think Craig and Angie are married?
They must be since they both have the same last name...List.
DeleteYou are funny, good luck with finding concussion man... we could all use a hero:)
ReplyDeleteAfter yesterday's incident with my dog, I can be your arch-nemesis:
ReplyDeleteTHE CHIPPED TOOTH!!
I'm not sure what my evil plans are yet, but it will be domination of some sort...
I would like to fight crime with you, but I'm not a man, I don't have a concussion, and I'm not cute. However, I do not wear plaid. EVER.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie, who visited your friend and commented there
I was sorry to see that your superhero sidekick needs to be a guy. As with most things I fall a bit short on the "qualifications required" part. I have morals, work cheap...well free actually, don't ever wear plaid (makes my ass look big), pretty handy at fixing things, and...let's face it anyone is capable of having a concussion if there is a hamnmer in the house, Cute???? that is subjective I think....compared to Marmaduke or Scooby Doo, I could be called cute (be sure to squint your eyes...better yet close them and imagine me cute)
ReplyDeleteOh, yes, I think it is great about MOV!!!
Hilarious....
ReplyDeleteCheers!
Linda :o)
I've got nothing constructive to write. That's because I'm still too busy laughing at the Ninja/spiderweb part.
ReplyDeleteThat truly made my eyes water with mirth.
I think I have two articles in my repertoire. One is called "Spiderdork and the furnace of doom" and the other is "Snakes Alive". I'll see if I can find them for you. I've been concussed several times, but unfortunately I can still see shadows. If I put on a spandex superhero costume I would look like a psychedelic Micro bus with hail damage. I can still get the gas cap off my car but I suppose that's not classified as fixing stuff. Morals? Oh well, too bad for you. Great post!
ReplyDeleteConcussion Man is a pretty funny sidekick name. Then again if he gives concussions to those who make fun of you when there is a spider, a web, or a snake then he would be pretty useful. This post brightened my birthday...Thanks!
ReplyDeleteLet's see...my 2 year old actually got a concussion on Thursday. I eat spoonfuls of Nutella every time I write a new blog post. It's no wonder I liked this post so much!
ReplyDeleteI wrote a funny column about my wife walking into a spiderweb one morning on out daily walks. She did some pretty fancy dancing and it sounded like she was speaking in tongues.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great read. Love your blog. I left a blog award over at my blog, come pick it up when you have a chance :)
ReplyDeleteOnce, seeing a rattlesnake gave me the power of teleportation. I was at a Girl Scout camp, and we were collecting flat rocks to be the floor of the outdoor shower. I bent over a rock, and there was a rattlesnake on it. I don't remember moving, but instantly the snake was "over there."
ReplyDeleteHmmm superpowers...
I was all like "YEAH!" till you hated on plaid. Plaid is good. Plaid is like a comfy old comforter on an uncomfy wintry night. Plaid is both punk rock and smells of grammy. So yeah, no plaid's a dealbreaker. Unless you're okay with mankinis.
ReplyDeleteI can't comment on being cute, but I hate plaid and concussions come easy if you're looking for a sidekick. I even have a mask and my superpower is I can wield sarcasm like a finely edged sword. Resume' upon request. :-)
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to see you back. I've missed your posts. This was a cute one. I smiled the whole way through reading. Especially at the people staring at you like you're crazy when you walk through a spider web.
ReplyDeleteI love Crack You Whip. Of course I already follow her. She makes me smile from ear to ear.
Okay, so that last comment was because I thought I was reading Two Beans that linked to Crack You Whip. I had to call in sick today because I haven't slept. I'll use that as an excuse. Geesh!
ReplyDeleteI was going to apply but then I saw that it said no plaid. That's a problem for me. I adore plaid! Mainly the blue/green type. (I don't keep up with their fancy names) Sorry it didn't work out!
ReplyDeleteI just ran into an invisible spider web at the beach this weekend. I was ninja-chopping all over (and making some sort of squealing noise that I thought sounded tough, but was probably more like a six year old girl screeching) and groups of people were staring at me. Probably wishing they had my ninja skills.
ReplyDeleteI would team up with you and be a sidekick but sometimes I like to play the villain.
ReplyDeletePlus I don't do chores or fix things and I would probably be stuck in the spider web right there with you!
I've given up on finding a sidekick that will tolerate my random acts of dickery. Instead I am training my children to be my minions and God help them if they don't get my Starbuck's order right or forget to pick up my dry cleaning I will go all "Devil Wears Prada" on their skinny butts! I win at parenting.
ReplyDeleteIs clinically insane a substitute for a concussion?
ReplyDeleteBah, I went out into my shed to search for a trowel. Little did I know that the spiders had booby-trapped the whole place. I kept leaping out of the shed everytime I felt something graze me. The whole mission ended in failure as the spiders claimed the trowel with their invisible webs.
I often feel like I have a concussion. But it's probably just the whiskey talking. I'm pretty good at working with spiders nearby so this might have some promise. Do you give your sidekick dark chocolate if he defeats evil? Because that would be a deal maker.
ReplyDeleteChocolate of any kind is a great reward.
DeleteI'm interested in hearing more about Concussion Man. Does he have to have a continual concussion or just the odd occasional concussion? Or does he mostly dole them out? And is he your biggest kryptonite? Do you store your handicap in your sidekick and then kick him to the side? If so, I'm guessing the line for sidekick possibilities is sort of short.
ReplyDeleteI have had a concussion before, and I am not a man. But I'd consider being your sidekick if I didn't have to wear my underpants on the outside or get a fresh concussion to make the cut. One thing. I'm a very good spider vanquisher. I cannot count the number of black widow butts I have cut off. Mostly, though, I let them hang out and eat bugs for me. I wish they'd take care of the really big sewer roaches we get when it gets toasty. Roaches are MY kryptonite.
I would like to fill out a sidekick application. I am exceptional at fighting crime. I even had my own uniform until it was stolen. Are there any benefits? What are the hours? Will I be provided a new uniform, or should I get my mom to make me another one?
ReplyDeleteA true superhero makes his own cape, just make sure you don't wear plaid...ever. How can you fight crime if people are stealing your uniform?
DeleteOnce there was an apartment fire, and I heard a lady screaming that her cat was still inside. Unfortunately the uniform wasn't very fire retardant, having been made mostly of paper, so I had to take it off. When I came running back outside after rescuing her flat screen, I saw a homeless guy running off with my uniform. Then, the lady was going crazy wanting to know where her cat was. I couldn't carry both.
DeleteI feel bad, because my response would have mirrored your friend's. But I would have really enjoyed the Kool Whip bowls. Regardless, I'm glad your fear of spiders didn't end you and I think your friendship philosophy is spot on. Something to emulate. After I finish this Nutella (thanks for putting THAT in my head).
ReplyDeleteI used to be a substitute teacher and I hardly ever had to keep them from burning the school down. In fact I think I really enriched their lives. For instance, if they got their work done early, I would do verbal safety drills with them about what to do in the event of zombie, dinosaur and communist attacks.
ReplyDeleteYou are my favorite superhero, Tracie! I would love to be your sidekick!
ReplyDeleteI think you would be great, Mike! Do you have a concussion?
DeleteGood luck finding concussion man -and a cute one. If you do, I think you've got the makings of a great comic book!
ReplyDeleteToo cute... except for the spiders... spiders and snakes are bad. Good luck with the super hero gig.
ReplyDeleteMommies are superheros :) We have all kinds of super powers and built in side kicks. Of course, my built in side kicks have the super power of cuteness with a side of the incredible ability to destroy a room in less than 5 minutes.
ReplyDeletePS...The last time I went to visit my 92 year old grandfather, he got his upper lip caught under his dentures while trying to put them in his mouth. Due to polident, which works incredibly well apparently, I spent the rest of my visit trying to pull his lip free from his teeth. He looked like the Cheshire Cat...and kind of like he could have bitten my nose off...
I would totally be your sidekick, but as Sheldon says, "While my moral support is absolute, in a physical confrontation I will be less than useless"
ReplyDeleteI'll drive you around in your PimpMobile and wash out your cape by hand after saving the world every day.
ReplyDeleteNow come and Guest Post for me!!!! info@redpepa.za.net
OOoooo!!! Pick me! Pick me!!! I'll totally be your super hero sidekick!!!
ReplyDeleteI've never really had a concussion... but I have my whole life ahead of me. Who knows what's going to happen or what concussions are just waiting on the horizon.
I would kick more evil butt than you'd think possible...unless you want to do all the evil butt kicking... In that case I could just stand to the side with refreshing cold soda and encouraging signs and cheers. Totally up to you.
I like your choice of Nutella as your Kryptonite, cos it's yuk!!
ReplyDeleteI'm a grandma but, AS YET, I haven't bitten anyone's nose off... hmmm, there's a couple I'd like to though ;D)
I love your blog and I think you should definitely become a superhero. The world needs it. I nominated you on my blog for the Versatile Blogger Award - I think being a blogger and superhero at the same time makes you ueber-versatile probably :-)
ReplyDeleteLet me know when you find Concussion Man and we'll get together and have a most excellent crossover adventure! Then our adventure will gain so much popularity we'll be able to form The League of ExtraOrdinary Blogging Superheros!
ReplyDeleteThe Weinator
<-- is wearing a plaid shirt right now
ReplyDeleteThis cracked me up well! Love it! I don't wear plaid, I'm a mean fighting machine, can fix stuff, I always have a concussion, and cute but I'm short on morals. Can I still apply? :)
ReplyDeleteAh Ms. T. SMILING SO BIG
ReplyDeleteI too suffer from cool whip bowls and matching jelly jars.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with finding concussion man, but everyone else has said the same thing ... Huh!! Well, I have something else to add to all that. I have nominated you for an award. Check out my blog and see what you got. :-), Susan Cooper
ReplyDeleteHere is the link: http://findingourwaynow.com/2012/06/award-winning-blog.html