Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Continuum

As a child I was completely consumed with building and inventing things. Building an impenetrable fortress of protection for myself surrounded by a city of bridges and tunnels was nothing more than a pathetic delusion I had that would ultimately implode on itself as the realization came that anything that connects would eventually disconnect, like internet when I'm lost in a desert.  My world would fall every time.


I started early.
Without fail, however, there was always an older cousin or an angry sheriff to come along and knock down everything I spent time building.
This is a common phenomenon among the evil.  Tear down. Destroy. I began to feel trapped in this permanent state of uneasiness as I flailed helplessly in my own sea of self-doubt and sadness.  I just wanted my bridges built.  I wanted them to stand.  Why were people so determined to knock down everything I built?

I would always rebuild.

The cycle would start over again.  


Then, eventually, I would need some type of cake and a nap.


Some of you know that I was an above average student.  I was reading at a college level by the age of eight.  However, as skilled as I was at reading and building bridges, I could never figure out how to keep other people from knocking them down.
Once, though, I was so consumed in building cities with trading cards (I had thousands of them) that the child I was supposed to be watching fell and hit her head in a place she wasn't supposed to be.  She was only a year old and blood gushed out of an open wound on her forehead.


I panicked.  I wanted to frantically take off at lightning speed for help, but that would have been so obvious.


I casually went into another room where the adults were, which happened to be in the kitchen.  I slowly opened the freezer, peered in and started to speak in my Sesame Street voice.
I may as well have been standing there wearing a wife-beater shirt holding a machete covered in child blood.


That did not go as well as I had planned it would.  The baby did end up going to the Emergency Room, but do you know that nobody thought to bring back ice-cream?


I have to admit that my heart is in the right place, but my mind is always somewhere special.


Over the years, my bridge building techniques extended far beyond blocks and trading cards.  I wanted people to be my bridges.  That became very important to me. Sometimes I look back and wish that I hadn't "burned a bridge or two" quite so quickly.  


Even at 40 years old, there are still people who are out to destroy what I have worked so hard at achieving.  Ironically, the people destroying my bridges are supposed to be building their own.   I noticed that pattern a while back.  


They don't want to connect.  They want to disconnect and then take what they can from me.  Then destroy.


After an entire lifetime of building bridges, I wanted to stop.  I had lost faith. 


Some have spread malicious lies about me.  I have wanted desperately to defend myself and have often thought of what I can do.  I can't just run up to every person with my wife-beater shirt on clinging to a can of hydrogen bomb and force them to listen to my side.


Then, a friend said something to me that set off that little lightbulb in my head.
If you really want to know who I am, then watch me.  

I realized that anyone who truly knows me will not participate in all of that drama and if they do then I really don't want those bridges in my beautiful fortress I am building.  My bridges are a little more narrow now and maybe a little longer, but if you want in my fortress of protection and to be a part of my world domination, you have to do me good enough to at least watch my walk.  Don't judge me.


I admit that I don't have a cookie cutter life. My life is a seamless continuum of abstract craziness and I often find myself turning back to extend my hand to those who have done me wrong.  Every bridge deserves a second chance at being a bridge in my world of paradise.


Ok, it is that time again where I need some type of pastry and a nap.











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87 comments:

  1. I totally want to be in your fortress of protection. Sometimes it's safer to be not quite as open as you would wish to be. Not sure if it's the best way to go - but it is a little easier.

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  2. You always seem to have amazing morals to your stories that make me want to stop and reconsider things.

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  3. Mmmm. Cake and a nap. It is pretty much always time for cake and a nap here.
    As usual, I loved this post. Your drawings are sublime and my heart ached for the bridges that toads felt obligated to knock down. Can I play in the fortress of protection too please?

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  4. Yeah... I don't know. The entire time I was reading your post. All I could think about was Minecraft and people who destroy things in Minecraft.

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  5. I wish you the best, but am half-tempted to ask you to go befriend my enemies... You know, for giggles...

    But really, truly, I wish you the best.

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  6. "Defend yourself by the life you lead" Best advice I've read all day.

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  7. Tracie,

    I am in awe of your unique voice.....

    You keep goin' girl, and I'll send around a gallon of milk :)

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  8. That is pretty profound there, I think I've heard it before but I'm not too sure. There will always be people out to destroy what you make. It's also a lot easier to destroy than create. Just don't give up on people and you should do fine.

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  9. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Love your drawings, looking forward to seeing more! PS I also LOVE chocolate!

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  10. I'll get you that milk. Will almond milk be okay? Who am I kidding? Almond juice is disgusting. My little bridges were torn down ages ago. I had enough of them anyway. I would much rather fly, but first I am working on the walking bit.

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  11. Great post! Keep building, because the people that used to knock down your bridges are powerless to stop you! You win!

    xxo
    MOV

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  12. by the lead, I say, by the lead, indeed.

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  13. I tend to build retractable bridges until I'm more sure of the landscape. But those bridges that end up being permanent are pretty freaking solid.

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  14. Your alter-ego child is very hairy. ;)

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  15. That is why I learned to never trust anyone ever.

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  16. There will always be someone who wants to knock down your bridge. But if you choose to ignore them, it doesn't work. Unhappy people don't like happy people around them.
    Ice cream is always welcome and I have an extra spoon somewhere...

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  17. Beautiful. My main problem is that I rarely start building the bridges. It's just too much effort. But the ones that I do build are strong.

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  18. I love your blog - drawings and quips. I am able to take something away with me in every post. I'd love too have your sense of humor and outlook. I'm grateful to have such a fun blog to go to for inspiration.
    Thanks

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  19. My bridges are gone. Need cookies and milk. Then nap with dogs.

    Love,
    Janie Lola

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  20. I like your narrow, long bridges. I prefer to have a moat, that I can pull up whenever I want people to F the hell off.

    I like your friend's sage advice. I also now ache for some chocolate fudge cake... and a nap.

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  21. That was nice. Although I am exceedingly disturbed by the young you with stubble in a wife-beater tank top.

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  22. Fear not, we all have people around us that want to tear us down. Stand tall, and just like my sweet babies, cry a little when your fort is knocked over, but then pick up the pieces, and take the chance to make it bigger and stronger. Build your walls and gates high enough to keep out your enemies, but accessible enough for friends and wonderful new people to come into your life. It is a delicate balance we must all learn to maintain. Because a strong fort is wonderful, unless you are sitting in it alone.

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    1. http://mommypluscoffee.blogspot.com/2012/05/anatomy-lesson-part-two.html

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  23. Every line that you wrote, resonates deeply within me.
    Whenever someone comes along and knocks down my bridges, I just build them higher and stronger.

    A truly beautiful and heartfelt post.

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  24. A witty, but very wise expose on people who spend their time tearing down instead of building up. "Defend yourself by the life you lead." Amazing thought that is, I'm going to remember it! This was a powerful read, and one I could so well relate to!

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  25. Enjoyed your post, Tracie! Been there myself, and I don't give second chances on the bridges. I may grant restricted access though, just so those people know the difference not having the full extended access any longer. See how quickly they get bored and wither away!

    Bringing over some ice cream! lol

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  26. Defend yourself by the life you lead. I think I posted something that meant the same thing today - weird - right.

    I love that quote. I think it says everything you need in a few words.

    sandie

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  27. "Defend yourself by the life you lead." Love it. Thank you. And I like vanilla. :-)

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  28. You are priceless. Oh my, I would love to live in your mind as a tourist for a day. The story and cartoons about the baby are hilarious. The post in general reminds me of the saying "A life well lived is the best revenge." One post that makes me laugh and think--you are a genius.

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  29. The drawings are great and the post is timeless. Glad the baby got to the ER...that could have scarred you for life...until cake and a nap at least.

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  30. Chocolate cake and milk will work for me!

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  31. I think one of the hardest lessons in life to learn is when to build a bridge and when to build a drawbridge. Relationships can be very rewarding but also very taxing!

    Wise post!!

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  32. I guess one of the advantages of having few close friends is that much less gossip about me. Meh.

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  33. An insightful, multi-layered masterpiece.

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  34. Well written.

    Bridges take a lot of effort. It would be nice if people wouldn't knock them over but... alas.

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  35. Excellent post!!!! Live your best life Tracie and don't worry about those who try to destroy your bridges, because they will eventually destroy themselves.

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  36. I absolutely love this! I am not planful enough to design and build a bridge, so I wait too long and end up feverishly trying to dig a moat.

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  37. Live a life that people can't help but respect :) You are an amazing woman and I'm so happy to have found you. I respect you very much !

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  38. I gotta say I'm not sure I have bridges. I must be a knocker downer. I'll be more careful. Thanks for the insight.

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  39. I love reading about your life--the good and the bad. You are very insightful and funny. And, though you have a crazy schedule and nothing is considered 'normal', I bet you'll look back at your life and be proud of it.

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  40. I really enjoyed reading this, I think all of us have had at least 1 bridge destroyed at one point or another. I hope nobody tears down anymore bridges that you build! Thanks for stopping by my blog.

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  41. Tracie, I love this post and I think that people can learn a lot from it. I try to live my life this way and it is sometimes tough!

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  42. Brilliant and clever. I shall never look at children's toys in the same way again! And I'm breathing an enormous sigh of relief right now that I never tidied away my youngest's Happy Street track when she was mid-construction and darkness had fallen. It might have been that it was more appealing to leave it covering the entire dining room floor than waste good TV time of course, but no matter, not guilty of psychological scarring on at least that one thing... great post!

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  43. Defend yourself from the life you lead? Brilliant!

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  44. I have to admit that my heart is in the right place, but my mind is always somewhere special.

    I love that line, Tracie :)

    i have burnt one or two bridges, but they're really horrible people.
    i'm better off without them.

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  45. Tracy that was just so eloquent - and frickin' funny!

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  46. If we were in the same room right now, I'd give you a high-five and a woohoo!

    :D

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  47. Tracie, this is hysterical. "Nobody thought to bring back ice-cream" LOL

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  48. Love your drawings! and "Defend yourself from the life you lead"it is realy a great advice

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  49. You forgot the five-o'clock shadow. You've got to have that along with the wife-beater. And I was wondering where you buy those cans? The Super-villain store on West 49th? What do you pay for those with? Those aforementioned machetes? Somehow I don't picture you as the proud owner of a can of Hydrogen Incendiary. In fact, I sort of picture you either in the Sidekick Lounge or maybe the Superhero Hideout. What do you think? I'd even let you keep the cape.

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    1. I hangout at the Superhero hideout. I'm not really the sidekick type. I have a cape already...

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  50. "if you want to know who I am, then watch me". I love that statement. People judge too quickly, without really observing. I'm watching and I like what I'm seeing.

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    1. Seriously, that is the best line. Ever. I want to make an ecard of it to post on facebook, but since that would be blatant plagiarism, I am going to need you to do it. Thanks for that--AND for the laughs! I am LOVING your blog!
      http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/

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    2. I will make a card and post it on Crack You Whip's Facebook. Thanks for the comments!

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  51. this was amazing! Thank you!!!!!
    ~Morgan

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  52. all reminds me of tina, and: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1C0mjj9QYc&feature=fvst

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  53. Chocolate does fix most things - cake finishes the job :)
    Thank you!

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  54. an interesting, clever read!! i adore one liners!!

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  55. You silly bridge builder, maybe just a little dynamite on the beams just in case of other peoples shenanigans!

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  56. I have burnt a fair amount of bridges in my life, walked away and never looked back! I always ask myself "do I need that person in my life" invariably the answer is always "no"! I do talk to myself a lot, I'm worried about that. Anyway, cross me and you're dead to me. I don't have many friends! I do eat a lot of cake though, and ice cream. And I like fizzy pop and chewing toffee :-)
    Di
    X

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  57. I like chocolate, too—and this post! Another fun and informative read.

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  58. I do love me a good world domination plan, I'm all ears!
    The world has always been divided into destroyers and builders.

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  59. You really have "wowed" me with this post. I will be back.

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  60. I love how you weave together your stories and picture and theme. It's masterful.

    I've probably burnt more bridges than necessary, but I had to stop suffering fools wisely. My own little fools require a low drama mamma and happier people surrounding our house of madness (and chocolate ice cream).

    Great post!

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  61. Honey I just love to come by here and enjoy your way of writing and the drawings to go with the writing.
    This is such a good post....funny and sad mixed together.
    Sorry to hear your a diabetic. I am fixing to start the Eat to Live Diet with my daughter in hopes to keep us from joining other diabetics in our family. It's a tough diet I won't be making those black berry cobblers for a long while. lol
    Love
    Maggie

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  62. You're adorable and interestingly funny. It's great when I can feel enlightened as well as inspired when I come to read your blog.

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  63. This is great writing. I really enjoyed reading this post.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  64. Ms. T ~ are you sure we aren't relatives? I implicitly heard and understood every single word and the feeling(s) behind them. Let me give you a shout of AMEN & feel free to consider me you lil g-ma amen corner! Luv ya, I am your friend @grammakaye on twitter.

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  65. A fascinating read! Loved every word. You are such an interesting person. The drawings are awesome. Hoping you encounter more connectors and positivity the rest of your journey. Cheers from Baton Rouge.

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  66. Thanks for stopping by my blog and following, and again, thanks for the sweet comments. I am following you now, too. What a talented writer you are! I think I must have been home sick on that same day, the one where they taught everything. LOL
    Keep smiling, Connie :)

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  67. Another interesting post...!!

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  68. What a lovely post! You can never completely rid yourself of the idiots in your life but you can learn that their insane misjudgements are meaningless.

    I do have to give you a bit of bad news though...Dr. Em and I have already begun our world dominion plot. Don't worry you've been added to the "Don't Turn into a Donkey" list.

    Princess WeeWee

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  69. Tracie please head over to my blog and pick up a gift I have there for you.

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  70. Thank you for rendering a visit to "Les Fous du Cap" and to have left a few words. We had a great time to visit your blog. Gently me chocolate !!!
    CĂ©line & Philippe

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  71. every thing I would build as a child would usually fall due to my incompetent ability to make a stable project

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  72. I like your drawings, your messages, and your efforts to build bridges and connections.
    Great post!

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  73. Wow those drawings are pretty cool!

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  74. Seriously falling all over myself LOL. I like the thinking, "My heart is always in the right place but my mind is some place special."

    You are something special.

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  75. Like those drawing..... Denis the Menace used to write the same way :-)

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  76. I don't like to brag, but I was a wizard at building legos. I was even in lego's monthly magazine one year (long, long, LONG ago). The lesson: instead of rebuilding, I made my stuff so strong that people couldn't break it down to begin with.

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  77. Cute post. Keep building those bridges!

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  78. I was never good at building my own bridges. I always waited for other people to start building them, then tried to cross them. You don't get to see that many new places by doing that.

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  79. I love your philosophy on life... especially with cake and pastries thrown in :D)

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  80. Have you ever thought about making a book out of these posts? Love the simple yet straight forward explanations on life and it's issues.

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  81. This is brilliant, I love reading you and will have to follow, even though I thought I shouldn't follow anymore blogs and just brouse (which is why I've been lurking here) you make me laugh, thankyou :)

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