Over the past few years, I have adopted this practice of purchasing overeager plants goggling for a home that will cultivate and cherish them forever. I have no idea why I do this. Maybe, I do it out of pity or because I know that I have the ability to completely dominate plant life. Either way, this last plant I purchased was a random decision. Unfortunately for the poor little fellow, I chose to pick him up and put him in my cart that day. He was none the wiser.
People say that plants don't have feelings, but this one did. I could almost see his little leaves clapping for joy as I pulled my car into the driveway. Magic rays of sunshine exploded from the sky to welcome us home. I had but one role and that was to take care of this plant for the rest of its entire existence. Seemed like a simple enough plan.
I found him a beautiful spot in my home. He glowed in the light and seemed happy there.
I spent a great deal of time coaching myself on how to take care of this plant. I was not going to fail, again. "I shall call him Planty," I said to myself, "and he shall be mine."
I even went to the library and checked out books on plants. My plant was going to be a super plant, like a super hero, only without the cape...and the superpowers. I realized that for years I had taken advantage of the fact that I was higher up on the food chain. Plants are actually our friends.
If there was such a thing as Plant Olympics, Planty would be there.
If a plant would ever be chosen to be sent into outer space on a shuttle mission with the astronauts, my plant would be the one.
I had great plans. I made graphs and charts.
Secretly, I wished I could speak plant. Every week I picked up more books from the library.
Sadly, things seemed to go in direct contrast to what I had envisioned. During my quest of trying to fulfill my desires of aspiring to morph Planty into the "Plant of the Year," it seems that I had completely forgotten to water him.
One day I decided to do some cleaning and found him lifeless behind a pile of books. Plant books.
My heart was broken. He had relied on me to care for him and give maybe just a tad of attention. I had become so engrossed in my own selfish wants and needs that this sweet little plant died behind a stack of books. I silently berated myself. This was my tenth plant murder of the year.
I have officially become a professional plant assassin.