Monday, January 23, 2012

When bad things happen to good plants

Over the past few years, I have adopted this practice of purchasing overeager plants goggling for a home that will cultivate and cherish them forever. I have no idea why I do this.  Maybe, I do it out of pity or because I know that I have the ability to completely dominate plant life.  Either way, this last plant I purchased was a random decision.  Unfortunately for the poor little fellow, I chose to pick him up and put him in my cart that day. He was none the wiser. 

People say that plants don't have feelings, but this one did.  I could almost see his little leaves clapping for joy as I pulled my car into the driveway.  Magic rays of sunshine exploded from the sky to welcome us home.  I had but one role and that was to take care of this plant for the rest of its entire existence.  Seemed like a simple enough plan.

I found him a beautiful spot in my home.  He glowed in the light and seemed happy there.

I spent a great deal of time coaching myself on how to take care of this plant.  I was not going to fail, again. "I shall call him Planty," I said to myself, "and he shall be mine."

I even went to the library and checked out books on plants.  My plant was going to be a super plant, like a super hero, only without the cape...and the superpowers.  I realized that for years I had taken advantage of the fact that I was higher up on the food chain.  Plants are actually our friends.

 If there was such a thing as Plant Olympics, Planty would be there. 

If a plant would ever be chosen to be sent into outer space on a shuttle mission with the astronauts, my plant would be the one. 

 I had great plans.  I made graphs and charts.

Secretly, I wished I could speak plant. Every week I picked up more books from the library.
And more...


Sadly, things seemed to go in direct contrast to what I had envisioned.  During my quest of trying to fulfill my desires of aspiring to morph Planty into the "Plant of the Year," it seems that I had completely forgotten to water him.  

One day I decided to do some cleaning and found him lifeless behind a pile of books. Plant books.

My heart was broken.  He had relied on me to care for him and give maybe just a tad of attention.  I had become so engrossed in my own selfish wants and needs that this sweet little plant died behind a stack of books. I silently berated myself.  This was my tenth plant murder of the year.

I have officially become a professional plant assassin.
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  1. Poor Planty. That was great. I grew an attachment to Planty even though I knew things weren't going to end well. I felt like the Peanut Butter and Milk (hilarious touch, by the way), filled with joy and hope at the beginning only to have it dashed at the end. The only plants I've managed not to murder are bamboo, and that's because those things will grow no matter what. Other plants seem like they need human blood to survive, but bamboo, that thing is like the crazy homeless person who sleeps outside my apartment, I try to ignore it and do nothing to help it, yet it survives well beyond my neglect.

    1. Well, I could never murder bamboo, not on purpose. I am actually sad that I am a plant killer. I liked PB and milk, too. Glad you enjoyed the story. Now, for a PB sandwich and a glass of milk...

  2. Do you have any idea how funny you are?? This was the funniest and saddest story I have read in ages! I want to laugh, but the sad part takes over. Then I want to cry, but it's too funny. You do deserve an award!

  3. I am the opposite, I have had plants that refuse to die. I have one now that I neglect a lot and think I should just throw it out. I only water about once a month because I feel sorry for it as it struggles to survive, yet it finds a way. Maybe I should take inspiration from it!


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  5. Poor planty. I have the black thumb too. I enter a nursery or greenhouse, and they whither at the sight of me...

  6. I want a "You Rock Our Socks Off" Award! That's the best award ever!

    I'm with The Simple Dude. Things refuse to die around me. They just cling and become utterly codependent on me for their never ending existence.

  7. I have to admit to being somewhat of an assassin myself. Things just can't seem to stay alive in my hands. You are very witty and I love your take on life. Thanks for making my day. I hope you continue posting every week.

  8. hmmm...I wonder if those are real awards. Either way, you deserve them! You Rock My Socks Off!

  9. Tracie ~ I love your blog. Now I need your help. I have a rosemary bush in my back yard that I need to dig up. I want to preserve the plant by placing it in a pot ~ how can I successfully accomplish this without damaging the plant?

    1. LOL, I love how you ask plant advice from the "plant assassin!" Apparently, watering them helps them to live:)

  10. Blocking the light with the plant books would be the best way for him to know that you meant well. Good luck on your next attempt.

  11. Lol, this was both sad and funny! You're SO creative! I also have plant issues, and forget to water them. :( I bought a couple of those fast growing mini potted plants... where there's a soil "pellet" and you add water and mix it up, then drop the seeds in... I started to see little tiny sprouts and was so excited! But then I don't think I had them in sunny-enough places, etc... forgot to water them... and they ended up in the same fate as yours!

    I want to try again, but I'm afraid that I might also gain plant assassin status. :P

    Good luck with your next plant!!

    OH, and thanks for visiting my blog!

  12. this was hilarious! I must admit I'm a plant assassin too. Every year when my mum went on holidays she asks me to keep an eye on her babies (her plants)and when she comes back one or two are surely dead. I don't mean it, but I always forget to water them!
    Okay, now I feel guilty.

    Great blog!

  13. Oh I understand completely! I'm a guilty of 'plantslaughter' too! I constantly have to hand over my -almost- dead plants to my mom to resuscitate them or live with the guilt...

  14. Ahahaha...this is so ME! I love it! I laughed all the way through it, wishing I could be a stick person drawer like you to help tell my stories! I SO enjoy your humor...we think alike!
    Hugs, GraceinAZ