Sunday, January 15, 2012

How to be a crazy cat lady

Step 1:  Go to a fortuneteller

If she sees cats, you are in.  Don't worry, she will.

Step 2:  Take this test

              How many cats are too many?

In order to make a proper home for your cat, you need to limit...

No way, that was a trick question!  There is no such thing as too many cats, EVER! 

Step 3:  Find a cat

The local shelter has 5 billion.

Step 4: Welcome the cat into your home
Step 5: Name the cat

I know it is tempting to name him after a cute food or a verb, but don't.  Give him a human name.  Crazy Cat Men name their cats after women.  Crazy Cat Ladies name their cats after men.  It is just how it is.  I don't make the rules.  That way, if someone calls you and asks what you are doing, then you just say, "Oh, I'm talking to Tom."  They will never know you were talking to your cat (never tell people that!) and you are still considered borderline normal.

Moving on.

5.  Invest in a cat lady wardrobe

Crazy Cat Women wear sweatpants.  Crazy Cat Men wear plaid.  Once again, I don't make the rules.

6.  Find a good friend

Hanging on married people is best.  They know you are a crazy cat lady and don't care if you hang on them for your human attention and usually will put you to work to earn your keep.  You will be more than happy to do it!  In the end they go home to their human counterparts.  You get to spoon with your fuzzy, squishy little human!

Examine the pros and cons of being a crazy cat lady.  Just think, you will never, ever have to share your food again (pro)! Yay!  But, your fuzzy, new snuggle partner(s) will always leave you full of hair and try to claw your face off (con).

You will never have to make the effort to love another human being again (pro).  No one will ever love you (con).

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  1. Now, I know how! Thanks for the laughs. You are totally AMAZING!

  2. I love getting these stories in my email. I go to work and talk about them instead of working LOL!

  3. LOLOL! You totally rock my world!! Why don't you write everyday? JK:)

  4. Stumbled onto this blog, so glad I did!

  5. BEcoming a crazy cat lady is also a good way to get rid of an unwanted boyfriend/husband. The neighbours will understand that it's a given that you won't be taking care of the yard and that the weeds will grow to 10 feet tall, and comfort themselves that you're not running a meth lab. No need to redecorate the basement. It is now a 18'X12' cat box.

    Also, you need to wear your lipstick so that it is outside the lines of your lips.