I won't say that I hate dating. It is just alien to everything in the world that I like and always ends horribly for me, like how it ends for a portly mouse when it decides to take a stroll through a hungry cat parade.
I am really not quite sure what is wrong with me. Everything I date runs away. I have decided not to date my dog.
I was cast out into the world at the tender age of 40. My startling confession is that I don't know how to cook. That doesn't work as much in my favor as you think it would. Here are some pictures of my wall oven. It is about a year old.
I actually did not buy the house for the kitchen. It just happened to come with the house. I realize that food is an important part of a balanced diet. I just have no interest in cooking it. My cooking skills consist of finding some type of meat, exposing it to heat and serving it on a plate. That is the kind of failure a person can only dream about. Ahhh...the power of lowered expectations.
I actually fell in love with the house for other rooms beyond the kitchen:
I don't mind being single. There is only one thing that bothers me.
Anyway, it is court-ordered that I not cook. I have already burned down an apartment complex and a 6000 square foot house (two separate fires). Everybody just be cool. I need to get back to my story. (For the record, don't try throwing a bucket of water on a grease fire...it will cause the fire to spread to 35 apartments).
So, I still needed to find a date, but I do have standards.
In all honesty I am extremely nervous about the whole dating thing. It is not unlike me to be set up like a sweet, innocent mouse just wanting a little hunk of cheese to survive or maybe just a cheese treat and it goes exactly like this:
My heart is the most sad looking thing in the history of sad looking things.
Anyway, I don't regret any past relationships. Not at all. It just makes me not want to have anymore. I think my insides are made of steel now. It has a cold, metal feel to it but that is a warm feeling, so I am good. There's also a part of me that wants to save mice.
So I called up someone who I knew would be willing to go with me. He came and picked me up so I could go and see "The Lorax."
We arrived at Movie Town early enough to get great seats.
Since it was the middle of the week, there were actually some seats available and when you are 5 foot tall like I am, that makes great movie watching as there aren't a lot of tall heads poking about. There I sat, nestled in my comfy seat in the popcorn stadium when in walks an 8 foot man-giant. Where do you think man-giant decided to sit? Of course, right in front of me. He just sat there, taunting me with his powers of tallness.
Sometimes, I just assume that tall people are looking out for me. Obviously, they aren't. I should have given him my email address so that he can warn me next time he goes to the theater. It's "canweputyourheadinabucketuntilthemovieisover.com." Instead, I just stood on my tiptoes and peered over his shoulder like a good little short person. I decided not to bring him down with any rude remarks. It wasn't his fault that he was tall or surpassingly wrong for sitting in front of me.
I really enjoyed the movie. Without giving away too much of the plot, it is basically about how we need to be careful that while in the process of creating our own utopia we don't destroy people, places or things around us in the process. It is a little more to it than that, but I did like the overall message. It also made me laugh, which is something I like to do.
After the movie was over, man-giant turned around and said, "I hope you were able to see." He actually was not being sarcastic and was trying to be sincere and even though he was an hour and a half late, I just smiled and said, "Oh no, it was like you weren't even there."
There was no point in hurting him. He knew he was tall. I know I am short. We really should have worked that one out before hand. I could have said something rude to him and brought him down a few notches, maybe self-absorb the powers of my shortness, but I didn't.
I don't want for my life to be a world of gloom in a few years and wonder what I could have done differently in the past and why didn't I do it. Of course, by then it would be too late. The time to act is now.
Being kind to the tall man was a small seed, but it was a seed, still. Ideally, I would like to have taken an axe and chopped a few feet off of him, but that would have only served a temporary purpose for my movie watching experience and not long term for either of us. Does that make any sense?
Shouldn't we preserve each other and build each other up instead of tearing down, like trees?
One day, however, I am going to hear the man of my dreams say those three beautiful words I have been longing to hear for a long, long time.
Now, I have to go because my kids are in the kitchen screaming for food like they have never eaten a meal before.
I think you've learned your own lesson from the Lorax, mainly that tall people shouldn't be chopped down. :P Great post!
ReplyDelete-Barb the French Bean
bahahahaha xD I love this post. I've also noticed that tall people seem to seek out places to sit right in front of short people though. haha
ReplyDeleteLOL I rhyme away so no need to see that, from what I hear, pretty bad movie at my bay.
ReplyDeleteExtremely ocd is grand, everything is in it's place at my land as well, except the cats, they keep moving damn it! No matter what I do they move...lol...yes locks are such downers.
Haha. The unlovable award in the bedroom! Funny photos! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeletehttp://funandruins.blogspot.com/
Bahahahaha OH MY GOSH. Did you actually burn down two buildings? ...That is simultaneously terrifying and extremely bad-ass..
ReplyDeleteWith regards to dating, I'll throw in the possibly-useful, possibly-worthless advice I give everyone: have you tried online dating? (I only give this advice because it somehow worked for little old me.)
Because if nothing else, it guarantees awkward and hilarious stories from the obligatory twice-your-age creeps who stalk your profile. =P
I don't want to try online dating as I don't like meeting people and then going out with them. I am good, though, just don't like going to movies by myself.
DeleteYou're like the awkward kid in the movie. You need a dating lorax, to teach you the ways and to appreciate what's out there.
ReplyDeleteI'm the dating lorax! I speak for the dudes!
Great post as always. Hey, you won the Kreativ Blogger award. Check out my post form Saturday!!!
ReplyDeleteI too hate it when the cold metal bar of reality snaps my neck. Stupid reality. But congrats on being nice to the tall man! Water that seed! Let it grow!
ReplyDeleteYour house is nice.
Thanks, I actually like tall people. They can touch the sky and I can barely reach up over my head.
DeleteYou aren't kidding, that is a pristine oven. Tall dude is obviously cognizant of being an obstacle but not considerate enough to take pains to sit near the back or not in front of lil' people (not saying you're tiny). There's always online dating.
ReplyDeleteTall people don't really bother me in the movies, but let me stand in a great spot at Jazz Fest for hours waiting to see Trombone Shorty (who plays the trumpet and is not short) and the tallest man there will squeeze and squeeze and plant himself right in front of my short self. When the music starts, I make sure to dance and twirl and elbow him as much as possible, hopefully even stepping on his toes. Tall people who step in front of you deserve that. I am not as nice as you.
ReplyDeleteAw I have the same crash-and-burn dating chart, don't worry.
ReplyDeleteVery funny, and a very nice message you set forth!
I remember never being to see at the movie theater when I was a kid, but haven't had that problem lately. I thought it must be that they were constructing the seating differently, so as to make that seats in back higher than the seats in front... Then I realized it was because I was taller.
ReplyDeleteI went to see it on Saturday. The Lorax is one of my absolute favorite Dr. Suess stories. It's a very real message, then and even more so now. As for the dating... Meh. And your oven, I'll be more than happy to break it in for you!
ReplyDeleteYou didn't say how the rest of the evening went. Oh and I think they're called deadbolts because they stop dead and make it near impossible for the door to be forced open.
ReplyDeleteoh, my husband is that tall person who sits in front of people. he does not do it intentionally, but he has had people say snotty things behind his back, things like, "Hey you! why don't you slouch!" He is 6'4" so his normal posture does not "slouch" and even if he did go into "slouch" mode (not likely), it would still make him, what, 6'1"? that is still pretty tall. When people say mean things to him, he turns around and says, "Shall I just take my head off? would that be better?" He stopped saying that now because this little old lady said, "Yes please! That would be GREAT!!!" as if it were really an option.
ReplyDeleteThis is my long-winded apology for my husband and all his tallness (damn Scandinavian and Basketballian genes be damned!). Do what I do, Tracie: sit NEXT to the morbidly tall person. They can hold your popcorn, as they usually have very long monkey arms. Not that my husband has long monkey arms, but he CAN reach on top of the refrigerator without even trying. Make your own conclusions there.
AND one last thing: your kitchen is GORGEOUS. I am very glad you showed it to us, because I always had the idea that I would become (magically) a gourmet chef if I had a nice kitchen. You have just proved to the world that possession of a kick-ass kitchen does NOT turn you into a Top Chef, so I figure you just saved me about 25K. thank you for that.
xxo
MOV
I'm starting to think all bloggers are OCD. I am OCD too. But I do know how to cook. Girl, that's a crime against your oven! Heat up a piece of pizza in it or something :) I kid, I kid. Clearly you're living the luxary of not having to cook a damn thing. I'm jealous!
ReplyDeleteI love this! I am OCD, and have trouble dating as well. I know my way around the kitchen,only because I have a super-voracious appetite that can only be appeased by many baked and fried goods. I love your house! I'd like one like it, or at least to surf a couch in a house like it. You were so kind not to cut the tall man down to size. You have integrity, which is a virtue that no movie can instill in any one. Oh, and it being black march,I'll not be watching any new movies. I even did a post on the Lorax and made a pretty disturbing graphic to go along with it. Have a great day!
ReplyDeleteI love to cook. I am absolutely terrible at it, but I enjoy it. Men like to eat, so you would think I would have dozens of men, fighting to get to me. But no, I haven't had a date in months. MONTHS.
ReplyDeleteI went to a concert on Saturday night with a short friend. He had to ask people all night to stop sending in front of him.
ReplyDeleteI got half-way through reading this, then had to stop to fetch coffee and cookies before I could read any further.
ReplyDeleteAnd that sums up your blog for me. It's like reading a darned good book, in front of open fire...okay, central heating system, with a mug of hot cocoa.
Fantastic as always.
nice story...I'm sure you'll have no problems dating - but do you really want to introduce a man into your pristine house?
ReplyDelete"They like to keep a perfect inventory of their clothing and underwear all over the floor so that they know what they have at all times."
ReplyDeleteSome of us organize vertically, others horizontally. I myself picked up 2 pairs of underwear just an hour ago!
I always feel like it is poor form to sit directly in front of anyone at a movie theater, regardless of anyone's height. Love your place!
ReplyDeleteOMG, how much do I wish I had that sparkling clean, probably-still-smells-like-new oven..!! Funny post, though too bad about the tall guy...
ReplyDeleteWow! I am like seriously impressed with the condition of your oven. Mine looks nothing like that. Obviously, my last cooked meal wasn't two years ago - it was two minutes ago. Good luck with the dating!
ReplyDeleteLove the post and that kitchen. I'd love a nice kitchen and a nice house to go with it. thats so funny about the apartment fire though, just sayin!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I LOVE "live bolt." That's awesome. Second, keep putting yourself out there with tall and short folks and everyone in between. It keeps the OCD in check. Third, on behalf of tall people everywhere, I am sorry. Sometimes I don't even recognize tiny friends because their cute little faces aren't in my line of vision. It's appalling. HILARIOUS post as usual.
ReplyDeletecool nice place
ReplyDeleteThis is such a roundabout post that I don't know where to start... The Lorax... or your beautiful house... or your unwrapped oven... or how in the world to you keep your house so clean when you have kids?... or so happy you found someone to take you to the movies... or why didn't you just spend your time throwing popcorn at the back of big guy's head? Ahhh yes... so many things I could say or ask... Great post!
ReplyDeleteYour house is so beautiful!
ReplyDeleteGreat post, as usual. Care to tell us more about how you burnt down 35 flats?
I'll try to make a story of it!
DeleteI must say, I am super curious to know about your accidental arson. That would be such a good story I'm sure! Love your house for two reason: one, it looks open and beautiful and, two, I am super OCD myself and evrry single thing has a spot where it belongs! And dating is overrated, you will find someone for yourself when youre not even looking for anyone. I believe that energies just manage to find each other.
ReplyDeleteLOL not that I'm setting you up on a date or anything, but my Hubby and you are very similar in the OCD area! it was like looking into his brain :)
ReplyDeleteOh and I am very amused that you have never used your oven..i think I use mine like twice a day!
ReplyDeleteI also cannot cook. Bake, yes. Cook, oh no. I exploded a microwave once. It was not pretty. Not pretty at all. My husband literally told me never to cook again. I call it a win-win. So does the microwave.
ReplyDeleteYour house is perrrty. Did you really set those fires?! And what happened with the guy on the date - any potential for date 2?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThe guy on the date is just a friend. I actually am not up to dating anyone right now. I will write a story about the fires one day.
DeleteI absolutely love your pictures! (Yes, that is what I take from this).
ReplyDeleteWe eat a lot of hamburger tacos and buy a lot of frying pans.
ReplyDeleteI didn't date for ten years after my first marriage and when I was single I was OCD. Still am in other ways.
I loved your floors, house too but am too jealous to say so.
My brother is tall enough to scratch geese without a rake and gets hassled a lot.
Love your blog. Keep the home fires burning (or not).
"[F]inding some type of meat, exposing it to heat and serving it on a plate".
ReplyDeleteSounds like the proper way to cook a medium rare/rare steak if you ask me.
Those sweet sweet words every girl longs to hear. If he gives me this nothing else matters. I'll pick up the socks and throw them on his side of the room for him.
ReplyDeleteI am convinced that there is a culture somewhere that uses dating as a form of torture...maybe that's how arranged marriages work: the parents send the kids on a date. Dates ALWAYS suck, so the kids come home and say, "screw that! Just set me up with a decent human being!"
ReplyDeleteOf course, I am happy enough on my own that I would stop at "screw that!" and go get a pizza.
p.s.Movies are just as good when you go solo. Nobody else digging into the popcorn!
great blog! Following you now!
ReplyDeleteThat was hella funny. Yes I said hella publicly on a blog...that's just how I roll! Love your blog. Good'un!
ReplyDeleteOh, I forgot to say...I totally covet your kitchen and your whole dang house! Wanna trade?
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
ReplyDeleteTook my daughter to see Lorax last week. Amazingly sweet, meaningful movie. Makes you think, all while entertaining the kids, and eating popcorn.
I am so glad you were over at my site so I could find your blog. So fun. Love your drawings. Funny, I have a post waiting to be published that I used stick people in my illustrations but I had to use clip art ones. How sad is it that I can't draw decent stick people? (but I am a decent cook)
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you OCDness. My husband and I both lean that way. Structure R Us over here.
Anyway...really enjoyed your post!!!
CYW:
ReplyDeleteOops, I see that you have joined Chubby Chatterbox. My eyes are getting old. Sorry I missed it, but I'm still really glad to have you.
CC
aaaahhhh...a woman after my own heart.
ReplyDeleteI thought those guys only sat in front of me.
Thanks so much for stopping by-
VERY nice to meet you!
Tracy
i love the house !
ReplyDeletesomewhat reminds me of me.
i've had wall ovens for a couple of years now.
i should start by reading the manual first :P
If I had a kitchen like that I'd cook every weekend!
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't mind tall people sitting in front of me too much. I mind it more when people bring children to movies after 9 pm when they get all cranky and disturb my movie watching.
ABSOLUTELY loved your post. There are so many things I could comment on but it would take up WAY to much space. From one fellow artist to another, keep on drawing my friend. :-), Susan Cooper
ReplyDeleteUhm. Did those burning incidents really happen? And maybe you shoulda just sat down on giant man's legs for the movie. 2-for-1 double whammo experience you know?
ReplyDeleteI like it here. I may never leave!
whoa!! u actually burned down two properties?? haha..
ReplyDeleteI loved ur house and how squeaky clean u have kept it! mine is a disaster!!and the kitchen is a dream zone..absolutely....
and do I love ur cute sketches or what?!!! your illustrations and narration were gr8!! loved it all! keep rocking!
Such a cute and funny post! Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving a nice comment. I like nice comments! I'm going to follow your blog if that's okay. You make me laugh.
ReplyDeleteThis has to be one of the most, if not, THE most funniest posts I've ever read--EVER! Seriously? Tracie's Dating Chart is so honest that it rocks humor! Man, I have to see a therapist today...I'm not sure if I'll be able to wipe away this goofy grin off my face!!!
ReplyDeleteNICE SOUND SYSTEM!!! Lol
ReplyDeleteI pick up after myself but only because the rats begin to form societys and start their own religion based around my socks.
ReplyDeleteYour post was really funnyt.
I believe that as a short person we naturally are more conscious of our stature and try to be reasonable to others.
ReplyDeleteKudos for being such a wonderful person. I might have said something to the effect of, I know it isn't your fault that your genetics made you gargantuan, but I would like very much if you could move over one seat so that my vertical challenged form can enjoy the film as well."
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