Unicorns on the Cob

How would you feel if I gave you 1,343 puppies right now?

What if you had 1,343 maw-maws?

But that wouldn't matter!

Because you would get

OR

So why am I asking you this?

I am trying hard right now not to show emotions because it could trigger my bionics, but I would like to show a certain amount of graciousness to you for reading my little blog and sharing and retweeting my stories.  As a thank you, I am giving each of you a puppy. 

I also promised to share some things with you from another post about growing your blog and your wealth.  When I first got started blogging 3 months ago I bought a book from The Simple Dude for only $1.99!  It is called "Grow Your Blog." I totally jumped on that!  What did I have to lose? 2 bucks? There are some useful tips in there and even if you aren't interested in the book, his site is funny so check him out! (Yes, I will be doing more posts on blogging, etc.).

Also, I want to share with you guys another book I bought from another blog that is way too funny not to tell you about it because I think it would be perfect for your mom or maw-maw for mother's day coming up! Seriously, if you love your maw-maw...this is the perfect gift.  The site is one of my favorites and it is MOV.  Maw-maw will thank you and she will probably need my address to send me some cookies.

I also would like to share another great blog-- Stephanie at Clay Baboons.   Her site completely rocks and she is one of my biggest cheerleaders so please visit her.  There are a couple of others who gave me awards and I have something else planned for them at another time as not to give my post "gratefulness overload."

So here is a recap of everything we discussed for you to do right away:

If you really want your socks to be knocked off, check out this video from Britain's Got Talent:

"Don't judge a book by its cover."

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I would like to give special thanks to my friend Working Dan and Dude Write for allowing me to be a part of this wonderful experience!

Riddle Me This, Batman

At times I find myself going through a terrifying mental saga that makes it difficult for me to comprehend things that are going on around me even on the most basic level of understanding.

Having children tends to change everything.  However, I have never been one of those "soccer moms."  When my son was younger, my boss tried to get me to sign up for "Bring Your Child to Work Day."  I respectfully declined and tried to understand why they wanted to punish me.  Once again, refer back to the chart.

My son likes to dress in black and he wears that hoodie 365 days a year.  It smells like an old fajita wrapped around an old foot.  We live in Louisiana.  It is so hot here, I heard a fire hydrant whistling for a dog one day last week.  I'm not sure, but I also think that I saw the sun looking for some shade.  It's not even summer yet.

He attends two different Bible studies a week and makes excellent grades.  

Something recently happened, though,  that completely threw me for a loop.  

Also, last month, Lucy Lawless was arrested for protesting against oil drilling in the Arctic.  Her charge was upgraded to burglary even though nothing was stolen.

Lucy stands up for what she believes in.  She is a hero to me.

Yes, there is one thing...

But, whatever you do, don't throw flour on Kim Kardashian or try to save the Arctic.  You will be quickly arrested on the spot.

TO MY READERS: Years ago I got into an argument with a man who was beating his dog at a local gas station.  Within 24 hours he shot and killed his wife.  He shot her five times, until the gun had nothing left to give.  There is always a better solution and I regret stepping forward with angry words. I was trying to save the dog, but the bigger picture was something else. Looking back, I was a catapult in the situation.  The wheels were set into motion.  People need kindness, not anger.  I saved the dog, but a human being died. I have to live with myself and trust me that is not a good feeling.  Am I a bad person? No, I was trying to be a hero. I was just trying the wrong way.  


Just to let you know, I don't have a problem with the 911 call.  The second he placed his foot on the ground with a gun in his hand is the problem.  That set the wheels in motion.   If you want to be a hero, but you need a gun in your hand to be one, it's not a good idea.  If you have to scream at someone you don't know and chase them, it's also not a good idea.   


There is a saying that "kindness kills."  Trust me, it doesn't. 

How to be the Cat's Pajamas and Gain Happiness and Wealth Along the Way--Part 1

I'm not from anyplace special on this Earth.  The state that I live in is shaped like a boot and I get kicked pretty regular by it.  Our mosquitoes are so large they fly around with small animals in their mouths. Last year, though, I bought a house and paid cash for a new BMW convertible.

I wasn't funny as a child.  The other kids in school thought I was the principal.

When I was a toddler, my parents threw me into a lake.  They weren't trying to teach me how to swim.

All of my friends were either invisible or imaginary...well, both.  

I have been offered cartooning jobs.  I have only been drawing for 92 days.

 

Statistically, I have a greater chance of being stabbed repeatedly in the eardrum with a rainbow in a desert during a 100 year drought than to have all of the good fortune that has befallen me.  I will be randomly sharing over the next few months different tips for increasing blog traffic, twitter accounts and gaining happiness in life in general (no blog needed).  However, I still want to maintain my regular posting of humor, life and goodness.  I will be slipping things into different posts, but my main secret (yeah, I have secrets) will completely blow your socks off (keep your shoes on for that one).  When I tell people of this simple little thing that I do, sometimes their mouths fall open and little puddles of drool form on the floor...it is that amazing and I started doing this at the age of 8!  Within six months of doing this, I had started my own business (yes, at 8 years old).  I had become a self-made millionaire somewhere in my 20's and will never have to work again for the rest of my life.  

I will be sharing "my secret"  when I reach my target goal of followers and subscribers  and I will also share it in the book I am currently writing.  I don't want you to buy anything (I have nothing to sell!), just follow along and read.  Maybe pretend to like me.  If you are really nice to me, I might let you send me some chocolate.

Are you ready to get started? Put your seatbelt on maximum buckling.  Here is the first thing:

Whether you have a blog or not, this is very important. Be a part of something.   These basic steps can be applied to anything, including Facebook or Twitter. Blogs are a valuable resource in networking, and can actually be utilized more than Facebook.  You don't have to have one, just be an active part of your favorite ones.  I have met so many great people doing this.  The average person only has a few hundred or a thousand "friends" on Facebook.  I'm even friends with Pepto Bismol on Facebook! (I have my reasons).  That does me no good as far as building a relationship. Build a community and you build your future.  I might be confused, though.  Maybe it's "Field annuity and seal a moocher."  It's one of those two.

Be a blog ninja! Don't have a blog? Use this principal in your everyday life.   Love your followers like a Ninja Turtle loves pizza.  The pizza will love you back. You know how when you walk into a spider web and every kind of ninja known to mankind comes out of you?Yes, be that kind!

I have an unusual amount of commenters on my blog.  They all get 5 stars and two enthusiastic thumbs up!

It makes blogging so much fun and makes me look really important! They read each other's comments and check out each other's blogs. I actually comment on several blogs a day. You can start off with just commenting on as few as one or two a day.   Doing this, I guarantee you either blog growth or carpal tunnel syndrome...whichever comes first. Whether you have a blog or not, it's also a great way to meet some wonderful people, in which case that would fall under happiness! 


Be positive and make your world a good place to be.  I created a stand alone comic like this one below and it may or may not have went viral. It was shared on Facebook so many times that I lost count.  People want to be positive and they want to be around other people who are.  That's a good sign!

Like I said, I will be breaking this post up into several increments so that it isn't book-length long and you get tired of me and go join the Crips or the Bloods or one of my other rival gangs.  I will be posting some funny posts in between just to break up the monotony of reading informative posts.  Thanks for being a part of my gang. 

Meanwhile here is something completely unrelated, but I found interesting on msnbc:

Apparently bottled water may boost tooth decay in children,so we are back to drinking chocolate syrup.  I love how the rules change.

twitter.com/crackyouwhip

How To Spend Three Hours on the Phone With Customer Service

Some days are more stressful than others .  On those days, in particular, you can look in my backyard and you won't not find bodies.   In the last few weeks my stressful face and my happy face have been eerily similar.  I have been having problems with my internet, so I finally decided to call customer service to resolve the issues.  First I had to find their number without the aid of the internet, but eventually I did find it hidden on the bottom of a shoe in China.

I should have known that I was going to have problems with that one simple call.  My miscalculation in my ability to execute such a simple task created an impressively large cavern  in my day that was so big and useless that within hours it was completely saturated with failure.

I should have been suspicious about the company when my monthly bills for my internet service came in the mail completely handwritten in crayon.

I would rather spend my evening soaking in a tub full of scissors than call customer service about anything, ever, but sadly I would have to put that life experience off for another day.

As minutes tragically passed, each one more painful than the last and with each second brutally stabbing me in my ear, I began thinking about the possibility of spontaneous combustion and why I was having such a difficult time achieving it.

I have unanimously decided that in the future if I make the napping decision to call customer service again, I will have myself properly trained in the art of self-combustion...just in case.

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Thank you to my friend Working Dan for inviting me to be a Dudette in the boys club Dude Write.  I am very grateful to be a part of this! I am putting you on hold now...