Sunday, November 4, 2012

My Dating Life--The Saga Continues

I know this may come as a deep shock, but I don't have a lot of friends.

Aunt Sally stopped talking to me when she passed away, so now my "Friends List" is very limited. I do try to have a social life beyond Facebook.
This may be why I don't have any friends, because I talk to myself on Twitter.  So, one day last week when this really cute guy I had briefly met years earlier "Facebooked" me out of the blue and asked if I would meet him at Starbucks "just to talk," I was elated.
I just knew that my life was finally turning around.  Life was going to be good.  I was finally going to get married.  Probably.
I was cautiously optimistic as I prepared for my big Starbucks date.  Of course,  I had already done the word math in my own head.
I don't charge people for going out with me, though I should offer some type of written guarantee.


Not having a boyfriend is the one part of life I have completely mastered.  My dating life has become nothing more than a desperate cry for help.  Not to brag or anything, but I could easily win a trophy for being a failure at dating.

I tend to give myself false hope and that is what I really love about me.  This time was no different. With lots and lots of makeup I tried desperately to look better than a moderately attractive zoo animal.
I've tried asking guys out myself, but they always look at me like I just asked them to donate a brain.  Then, they try to run away from me like I am the electric bill or a crying baby.
So, a date that was not imaginary was a pretty big deal to me. The sheer volume of hope that I had injected into myself began to consume the inside of my own head.  The pressure of the suffocation of my sanity and the reality of the situation became completely unbearable for me before I even made it to Starbucks.

As I pulled in, it glowed.  Not my head...Starbucks.

I parked beside an old, old, old 1960's beat up Ford truck that had not one, but two buckets underneath it catching whatever comes out of old Ford trucks.  My pathetic delusions of meeting Prince Charming tonight began to fade as I realized it was the only vehicle in the parking lot besides mine, which needed no buckets, just Prince Charming.

To make a short story long, I entered Starbucks with distinct uneasiness and spotted him right away.  It had been years, but he was still great looking and had an amazing smile.

I sat down, though a bit nervous, as Starbucks was not this amazing fortress of romance I had dreamt it was.    As he slurped on Green Tea (literally green) and talked incessantly about his recent ex-girlfriend, the conversation quickly began to hold a death-grip on me.  His beautiful white teeth slowly turned putrid green.

I stared out the window at the truck, at the green tea and then his phone that kept beeping.  He would stop mid-conversation and smile John Deere Green so he could return a text to whoever he was flirting with on the phone.   The text messages were the only pauses between him going on and on (and on) about his ex-girlfriend.

Normally, my brain has an infinite capacity to bring itself back to life on its own after being pummeled with someone else's problems.  I felt the conversational death-grip begin to kill it. Maybe I would need someone to donate a brain to me after all.

He finally stopped long enough to ask me about me.  Before I had five words out, somehow, those few words reminded him of his "horrible" ex-girlfriend who had misjudged him.  After all, he had tossed the woman's two year old daughter out of his recliner because that was HIS recliner so she should understand and stop being horrible.

I just sat there, my brain cells rapidly dying and hating me.  The supply of kindness I had was completely exhausted.  I wanted to make a break for it...and spill those buckets under the truck for HazMat to clean up.

My once friendly brain cells were screaming at me.


But, just as I was about to give up hope so I could go ahead and die by the condiments, he finished texting whoever he really wanted to go see and said he had to "go workout" at Planet Fitness.  It was 10:00 p.m.

As he stood up, he gave me a hug and said that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that I was a great friend for listening.  He said I deserved some special award for listening to all of his problems.  Yep, I'll just put it right along beside my other awards.


This was his status a few days later on Facebook:
Ok, so I need to add a few more trophies to my collection:

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75 comments:

  1. This is hilarious but still sad! I am so sorry that your excitement and anticipation quickly shifted to having to sit across this person with teeth of John Deere Green! What a jerk! Men are asses!

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  2. I'm sorry for your "date" mishap but I laughed my entire way through this. Especially at "I've tried asking guys out myself, but they always look at me like I just asked them to donate a brain" and the tub of water and electricity =D

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  3. The best thing I've read on twitter since I started reading things on twitter.

    OpinionsToGo

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  4. Yay, you're back! And with an extra hysterical post. Yes, it is all founded on your pain, but you manage to make your pain sooo funny ;)

    I can sadly, sadly relate to this. I love this line the best: "So far, there is no proven link between me going out with people and getting married." Yep.

    I can't fathom why you aren't married, though. You're gorgeous! You have the most beautiful green eyes. I think it's just lack of finding a quality guy. I mean, thank God this weirdo didn't want to date you!

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  5. This is the most hilarious and un-whiny post about a bad date I've ever read. Which, I think, should be awarded with a few more trophies (if you don't mind drawing them).
    Catherine Denton

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  6. I can't possibly imagine why his ex-girlfriend dumped him. What a prince!

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  7. Wow! I wonder how exhausted his real life friends (who cannot avoid him) are with his sorry two bucket self! Eeek! Glad you're back!

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  8. OKAY THIS IS CLASSIC BAD DATES BUT DID HE AT LEAST PAY FOR THE COFFEE??? I PERSONALLY THINK YOU DODGE HAVING TO POSSIBLY PUSH THAT VERY OLD TRUCK OFF THE ROAD ON DATE 2 LOL
    TO QUOTE A GREAT JOURNEY SONG TRACIE.....SOMEDAY LOVE WILL FIND YOU. ~JANICE~

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    Replies
    1. He did pay for the $3.00 tea I drank, so I was thankful he splurged on me. I'm sure whoever he met after me got at least $3.00 spent on her.

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  9. Ewww, that dude, just ewww. That's him, not you. What kind of weirdo yaps endlessly about his ex, pays more attention to his phone than his date, and is just all around self-involved, then has the gall to ask why he can't find a girlfriend? Total bag of enema-waste.
    Though I feel your pain, the phrase, "they try to run away from me like I am the electric bill or a crying baby" made me laugh in fits.
    Best of luck to you in your arduous dating journey.

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  10. Hilarious story...er...I mean, how sad...but really funny. Seriously, you seem like a world-class catch if there ever was one. Q. What do men prize most highly? (Maybe I should re-phrase that?) A. A sense of humor, and you have that in spades! "He" might be your next phone call or blog visitor. You never know. ;)

    S

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  11. You are HILARIOUS, but you also get the award for NOT ENDING UP WITH THE SELF CENTERED LOSER WITH A GREAT SMILE. It would probably cost a lot to engrave all that on the trophy, but it's true.

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  12. Oh dear, only you could make this boyfriend devoid story sound funny! You don't need one anyway, they smell funny :)
    Di
    xxxx

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  13. There are a lot of bad fish out there in the sea, aren't there?

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  14. Girl, as long as you keep that sense of humor, there's bound to be a hot guy right around the corner waiting for you. Thanks for the laughs today. I've missed your posts!

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  15. Well quite frankly you are better off without someone like that. Let them go be needy on their own time. I'm sure the right person will come along eventually. There's someone out there for everyone. Or so I tell myself when the night comes in and the pills stop working.

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  16. All guys are Pissy McDouchertons. That's why I'm so happy to be part lady. Your first sign of trouble was when he wanted to meet you at Starbucks. After ten minutes, you should have told him to take his sad, sorry ass to someone who's looking for a friend. If he snaps out of it then you're good. If not, then that's good too. Nobody wants to be on the rebound.

    I'll ask my beautiful wife if I can come down there and take you bowling or something.

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  17. He totally friend-zoned you. Though, considering how things went, that might not be such a bad thing...

    But think about it this way: The person you're going to marry is walking around right now, probably looking for you too.

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  18. OMG! Tracie, you should hand HIM an award, Biggest Narcissist. :)

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  19. Have you ever considered writing a coffee table book of bad dates? I would buy it...

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  20. You're a saint for not ditching this guy mid-convo. What a self-centered douche! At least finding this out quickly saves time and effort

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  21. LMAO had to laugh a ton, sorry. That dating world does suck though and hey at least you have new trophies to show. Welcome back to globland too, the spelling I meant to do.

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  22. Dates like that make you wonder if single isn't better. Actually single is better than dates like that. The urge to smash his phone out of his hand would have killed me.

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  23. I wouldn't have believed green tea could do a turnaround so quickly on pearly whites. Maybe dentures aren't what they used to be.

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  24. Tracie, thankfully you found out he was a loser right up front. Saved you months of learning how to tie a proper noose knot! You look great and you didn't need him...you'll be able to throw all those trophys away someday soon.

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  25. I think the award that you get for that guy is "Dodged a bullet." Whew!

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  26. Oh Tracie. You deserve so much better than stupid, leaky truck Starbucks guy. Your prince is out there somewhere. He's a quiet man with funny little comments that often go unnoticed.

    Find him soon!

    Crazy (and slightly psychic) Marianne



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  27. You manage to squeeze a lot of humor out of all this self deprecation. Fun post.

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  28. Lol. Let me know when you publish a book. I want to buy hundreds of copies and I may share them with others if I like them. And he was a looser -- well done on escaping!

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  29. That really funny and totally sad at the same time. I would give a GREAT BIG award for patience. :)

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  30. It is probably just as well you realised that this guy was a boring arsewipe so early. You had given an evening to him. How much worse would you feel if you had invested more time?
    This is a bit too sad for me to laugh at it right now. I hope you can very soon.

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  31. Awe Tracie... I know how difficult the dating world is... I don't date right now due to the fact that my heart and soul couldn't handle the emotional ride. Besides, I deserve someone wonderful, not a pathetic loser and so do you.. Don't settle!!

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  32. THIS is why I've totally & completely given up on dating! Well... this & the fact that I'm married & pretty sure my wife would somehow be opposed to the idea of me still being on thee dating scene...

    But, all the same, I'm never dating again. EVER!

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  33. While I'm not pleased that your date went horribly wrong, it was an amusing story. I don't understand why people think that pouring over their ex is an attractive character trait.

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  34. Gosh, I am feeling bad that I am finding pleasure in your pain. You seem to have a great talent for tracking down the biggest losers on the planet. If the FBI and CIA knew your propensity to zone in assclowns they would hire you and make you rich. This sonar thing you have going that zeroes in on creeps is amazing stuff.

    Of course, you would still be meeting a lot of tragic messes, but they would be sad that you wouldn't share your wealth with them.

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  35. How about first place for detecting a loser by his vehicle? Planet Fitness indeed!

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  36. Girl you should have known it was going to be bad when he wanted to meet at starbucks which, if he was in any bit interested in you would have known you don't drink coffee!!! What a loser. Add a trophy to your collection "#1place puts up with morons" love ya

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  37. Thanks for sharing your pain and letting us laugh along with you. If it makes you feel any better, WE all love you!! P.S. Love your tweet! So funny!

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  38. Damn that sucks, but in a funny way. :D

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  39. Oh my!!! LOL!! {{{hugs}}} You need a reality TV Show! :)

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  40. Let's hope that if he was still a 'friend' on FB, that you unfriended him with a back handed block added for good measure....

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  41. You really have a gift for hyperbole. I love your one-liners.

    And I'd say you dodged a bullet there... Just don't give up on love (I hear Foreigner's "Down on Love" playing through my brain right now).

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  42. Ugh. What an idiot. He obviously had no idea he was sharing a table with a very awesome person! His loss!

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  43. Thank God you were wrong! I would have been sick if, in a twist of story, you ended up with him!

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  44. You know, I started having a crush on boyfriend when i realized he was the only other person in the universe with a phone as old as mine... One of those early 2000's flip phones, but pre-razor. He actually looked at me while talking!

    And you know you would never be more important to him than HIS CHAIR. I think I agree with the above comments. You dodged a big bullet with this one.

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  45. You have such a gift for making really horrible really funny. Kudos to you, girl for keeping your chin up! And also for not tossing a match under that truck . . .

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  46. Oh, what a bummer! He was so clueless, and that has nothing at all to do with you. I don't know why beautiful and intelligent women get passed over. You don't seem like the type who is egotistical. Harumph. If I was ever on Facebook, I'd friend you, but I'm a holdout. :-)

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  47. Wow! So, did he consider that a date or was he just wanting to talk for a while?

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    1. He was just very much about himself. I would have passed on that one anyway.

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  48. I love this!!! Thank you for the laughs.

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  49. I'm sorry the date didn't work out but you owe me an iced tea for to replace the one I spit out laughing at your recap!! Hi-larious!!

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  50. Hi Tracie,

    As a fellow how is partial to John Deere green AND has his own buckets, I can honestly say, having this relationship start and end over the course of one tea is definitely a win for you! He would have had you dumping his Ford juice buckets while he defended his recliner.

    Nice to see you pop back up. I missed you here. :)

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  51. Aww. You can look on the bright side though! I can spot two:

    a) Dodged a bullet! He was kind enough to demonstrate right off the bat that he was NOT boyfriend material. At all.

    b) A cute guy asked you out! Even if the date was a bomb, the intent itself is flattering, no?

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  52. Just remind yourself that if you had been his miss right you may ended up being miss incarcerated since you would have ended up killing this douchebag and that is not so good...........as people with green teeth should end up kicking up dasies.......lol

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  53. sorry he sounds like an arse and you could use someone who has a crazy sense of humour like you do.
    workout at 10pm. nonsense.

    funny post as usual :)

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  54. I'm terrible at dating, but even I know that you don't ramble on and on about your ex. Also, just for the record, I work out at 10 pm... but I don't ever complain about ex girlfriends just before doing it.

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  55. And here I was thinking that I'm not the greatest guy...as it turns out there are people below me!

    Glad to see you back!

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  56. You talk to yourself on Twitter? I talk to myself on Facebook. You see, I have two Facebook accounts: one for Al Penwasser and one for my REAL persona. My niece (who has friended me on both) noted that I will answer Al Penwasser. I told her that's to keep people guessing. Is Al and the other guy really the same (like Underdog/Shoeshine Boy)?
    I also told her that I'm crazy.

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  57. No hot electric baths for you, Missy! (Would a stab at e-harmony be better or worse than a hot electric bath?)

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  58. I've tried e-harmony before. There was no harmony, just nightmare, so yeah, stab it.

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  59. Oh my goodness this is funny. I almost feel bad laughing so hard. But seriously...way to turn a disastrous "date" into blog material! :o) I had found your blog via Pinterest and followed it with the intention of reading more next week. You got me hooked though! I'm off to get some more giggles in right now...hopefully not all of them will be at the expense of your dating life, though!

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  60. Ick. I'm sorry you had to be around such self centered awfulness for so long. :/

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  61. OMG! I thought I was the only loser dating person out there, thank freaking GOD! I swear it isn't us, it is the men, the men suck!

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  62. Hilarious! You've got quite a trophy collection going on there!

    So glad you're back! I participated in the Oh, How I Miss You blogfest, and yours is the blog I have missed!

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    1. Thanks! Trying to get caught up on everything so I can post more.

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  63. Hey,

    As always, tooooo funny.... I love how you mix the story with the "storyboards" :)

    Good luck with the "search" and if I had any single guy friends, I'd send them your way and tell them you were a keeper - as long as they understood the value of humor in a blind date :)

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  64. I think he should win a trophy for first place jerk...Keep searching Tracie, it took me 44 years to find Mr. Right, of course I had to stop thinking I was looking for Mrs. Right, first.

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  65. Guys suck. They do. I don't want to be one right now after reading this.

    Smile! From your picture, it seems like you've got a nice one.
    When you find the right one, it will be obvious.

    WG

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  66. Totally understand...I managed to scare off a guy in less than ten minutes one night. A coworker set us up, and I guess he didn't like what he saw. Oh well, his loss in your case and mine :)BTW, I totally went back inside after he left me in the parking lot, and got myself a beer. Make the best of a bad situation. Perhaps the coffee was worth the trip. Good luck, I don't miss dating AT ALL.
    -Heidi
    http://mommypluscoffee.blogspot.com/

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  67. These types of experiences are made so much more palatable by the ability to turn them into blog posts in one's head as they are happening.

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  68. Wow, he sounds like a real prince. Sounds like you missed out on a real catch there.

    *drowns in her own sarcasm*

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  69. Oh, ugh, who wants to get stuck with that jerk? Your post was darned funny, loved the storyboards, but sorry you're down.

    Shannon at The Warrior Muse

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  70. I'm the male equivalent. Your suffering does do some good in this world, it let's me know that I'm truly not alone.

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  71. Thanks for following. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I have found December to be a very busy month.
    By the way, I love Toby Mac! I graduated from LU, his alum also. I was a huge DC Talk fan in the day

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