Saturday, February 11, 2012

A Series of Events That Were Not So Fortunate

I have always been a methodized planner.  Being born was a strategic goal of mine.  Oh, it was happenin'. I plotted and I planned my way out of that trifling dungeon that secluded me from the world for nine months.  I  had already pinpointed my life's goals down before I even knew my name.  As a matter of fact, the name didn't even matter. They could have named me Candy Liver for all I cared.  I just wanted out.

I did my nine months of time.  Whatever lesson was to be learned from that experience, I learned it. Under no circumstances was I going back.  And then one day, plan number one on my list was set into action.  I was born.  I quickly crossed that one off.  Let me warn you that this is a true story, so if you can't handle true stories or the color purple, you might not want to read this.

I was actually born purple, you know, like as if one of "Barney's" arms is barbarically ripped off and then two eyes poked on it and the doctor just keeps hitting the arm's buttocks over and over and harder and harder and the arm doesn't cry at all.  Yeah, that was me.

Unfortunately, I was one of the one out of every 5 billion, no make that 10 gazillion people in the world who are born allergic to themselves.  Yes, that actually happens, but mostly to just me.  So things didn't start off too good with myself.  Statistically, I had a greater chance of being born a unicorn than being born allergic to myself.  In all honesty, I would have rather been a unicorn.  I was purple because I couldn't breathe.


The doctors decided to give me someone else's blood in hopes that it would help save my life.  A lifetime supply of blood was ordered for me and the orders were given to the courier so that I could have a complete blood transfusion.

 Sometimes I secretly wish that maybe it was an Astronaut's blood that I received.

Or from an award winning scientist,

 but deep down I know it was from this guy:

After the complete blood transfusion, I made an amazing turnaround.
I rekindled my lifelong love of breathing.  Luck was on my side for a change, but in reality consciousness hurt. There were needles and IV's and the horrifying banter of doctors saying I probably wouldn't survive (thanks a lot, doc).   I had a full gamut of emotions. My goal in life was to be a superhero and in those moments, my only marketable skill was taking up space.
I wasn't a bad person, though I knew that I had the full capacity for it.  Why was this happening to me? Why couldn't I be allergic to cats, dogs or sheriffs? Why was I allergic to me? That made no sense.  

In the back of my head, being held hostage, was this thought that if I managed to get out of this alive, I would spend the rest of my life trying to make the world a better place.  There were days the doctors said good things, like there was a one in a billion chance I would survive. Then, there were days that they said other things.
I was in the hospital a while.  Life was getting rough.  Living was less fun than previously indicated. I tried to blend in with the crowd.
A fear started to mature inside of me that I would be in the hospital forever.  I became afraid.  I began to develop a stinging fright inside of me that they would find other reasons to keep me there. I only had the one thing going  for me, which was laying there being adorable wrapped up in wiring.  What if they wanted to take that away from me? I started having fevered dreams of a madman with fears of trumped up surgeries chasing me.   What if the doctors got bored and on a whim decided to give me "cuteness reduction surgery?"  CUTENESS REDUCTION!! What if I obliviously woke up in the hospital one day and looked like this:

I tried not to panic. Then, one day, I had a good calm going and I started to articulate my thoughts. Things would get better for me.  And then, slowly, my body started to accept my newfound blood. My fear was replaced by cautious optimism as finally the doctors released me. 

I have had my blood a while now, but now that I am older, wiser and gaining a bit of weight because I have a love/hate relationship with chocolate (except for the hate part), I now know what to ask for if I ever need blood again:

Note to my beautiful readers:  If you like my posts please help me out by subscribing and sharing on Facebook or Twitter and if you are a famous director, I will let you make a movie about me...probably.  Thanks! Everybody have a GREAT week!
Tracie

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26 comments:

  1. Fascinating post... and what a dramatic entry into the world. Thankfully you had everything worked out - even though some of the events came as a surprise.

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  2. Thank you! I think it is very symbolic of my life...fighting from day one, but in the end everything works out beautiful:)

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  3. It is a very good thing they didn't try to reduce your cuteness.

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    1. I would be in a whole lot of trouble if they did!

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  4. great post, great story. sorry I am not a famous director, but if I was, I would totally make the movie about you (probably).

    xxo
    MOV
    ps-- you are right, Madonna is not cute anymore (I think she used to be, in 1986, when she was a real person)

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  5. This is the first I've heard of a self-allergy. With it being so rare you kind of fulfilled #2. You are a superhero...just with the worst power of all.

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  6. Survivors ROCK and end up doing amazing things. You are a survivor girl!!!!

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  8. I think I was born with an allergy as well. Those captchas hate me. I keep wanting to comment your humorous post, but I keep spelling "fisbneis" wrong. Sheesh!

    Anyway, I hope you will think about doing the headbanging piece. I'd love to see it. Your drawings and funny words always make me laugh.

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  9. haha I am allergic to captchas, too! But, actually I think it is old age, though! O.K. so what headbanging piece?

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  10. "TracieFeb 5, 2012 09:26 PM
    Very interesting post. I should make a comic about this one, seriously! Great stuff!
    Tracie"

    Comment from Utility of the Headbang.

    Your pictures along side that content and some of your own would not only be something for me to laugh with, but an honor to have a collaborative effort with someone of your stature.

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    1. Oh, yes, I remember. That was a funny post! I think it is doable. Are we friends on twitter? Can you send me a private message @crackyouwhip on twitter and we will see what we can do? Sounds like a great idea!

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  11. Tracie, you do rock! You are the funniest person I know and so real. I wish I owned vocabulary like you do, but please please, NEVER leave!

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  12. I allergic to bad grammar. It makes me turn red and break out into fits. Luckily I find solace in your blog and it keeps me safe!

    Born a fighter! Rock on!

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  13. I could quote every line in this and each one is funny on its own. You should write another book or for television. You are not small time, my friend. I see great things in store for you:) This made my day!

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  14. Great story and written with so much spirit and humour not forgetting the art work....You made me feel better already. :)

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  15. Loved the part about the blood from the homeless guy... made me laugh out loud HA!

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  16. I'm so glad that you did survive. While, purple is one of my favorite colors, I guess it's not good color for skin tone... Well, unless you're an alien. Funny, funny stuff!

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  17. Oh, I am so glad that I found your blog.
    Both funny and moving, I am awed by your literary style.
    Absolutely fantastic!

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  18. that could have been written is so many different ways,, i`m so glad you chose this way. excellent read. < opens e-mail client to pass it on >.

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  19. Being allergic to yourself...that pretty much sucks. It's like an anti-super-power or something. I'm glad you were able to overcome!

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  20. Very happy you made it! I also agree with the commenter above that you're not 'small time' and have great things to do on life's journey. (I also like how you layer stuff; you're saying more than you're saying.)

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  21. OK, so I have two Red Grammar kids songs competing in my head...One is "I think you;re wonderful" and the other is the "Alphabet of You"...to paraphrase, they both say you are amazing!

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  22. I'm so jealous. I was just born. Didn't do anything exciting except lay around and cry in my pink onesie. I did have a ginormous head though if that amounts to anything, but you were off having all sorts of adventures in your baby cart. >.< I guess that's what I get for being a "normal" baby. XD

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  23. Wow I am glad this was you and not me............sorry but it really sounds sucky........

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  24. Such an experience Tracie - what a start to life eh! Well, all I can say is that you've made good use of your new blood ever since :D) Cheers!

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