CRACK YOU WHIP: short people

I decided one day last week that I wanted to go see "The Lorax," which is an animated movie based on a Dr. Suess book. I didn't want to go by myself. If I don't like a movie, I like to at least have someone there to make sarcastic remarks to. Strangers don't like it when I do that to them. I needed a date.

I won't say that I hate dating. It is just alien to everything in the world that I like and always ends horribly for me, like how it ends for a portly mouse when it decides to take a stroll through a hungry cat parade.

I am really not quite sure what is wrong with me. Everything I date runs away. I have decided not to date my dog.

I was cast out into the world at the tender age of 40. My startling confession is that I don't know how to cook. That doesn't work as much in my favor as you think it would. Here are some pictures of my wall oven. It is about a year old.

I actually did not buy the house for the kitchen. It just happened to come with the house. I realize that food is an important part of a balanced diet. I just have no interest in cooking it. My cooking skills consist of finding some type of meat, exposing it to heat and serving it on a plate. That is the kind of failure a person can only dream about. Ahhh...the power of lowered expectations.

I actually fell in love with the house for other rooms beyond the kitchen:

As you can see I am extremely OCD. Everything has to be in its place and perfect. Some men don't like women like that. They like to keep a perfect inventory of their clothing and underwear all over the floor so that they know what they have at all times. I could draw little underwears all over the place, but I think you get it. I know you find this hard to believe, but some men do pick up after themselves. That being said, I think we all know that they don't come out of the box like that. I am not quite sure if I am committed to retraining another human being. It takes about 20 years. I do love men, though. They have skills and talents that I never will possess in my lifetime, like doing my yardwork and fixing my stuff.

I don't mind being single. There is only one thing that bothers me.

I have always wondered why it's called that. Why not call it a livebolt? Locks are such downers.

Anyway, it is court-ordered that I not cook. I have already burned down an apartment complex and a 6000 square foot house (two separate fires). Everybody just be cool. I need to get back to my story. (For the record, don't try throwing a bucket of water on a grease fire...it will cause the fire to spread to 35 apartments).

So, I still needed to find a date, but I do have standards.

In all honesty I am extremely nervous about the whole dating thing. It is not unlike me to be set up like a sweet, innocent mouse just wanting a little hunk of cheese to survive or maybe just a cheese treat and it goes exactly like this:

My heart is the most sad looking thing in the history of sad looking things.

Anyway, I don't regret any past relationships. Not at all. It just makes me not want to have anymore. I think my insides are made of steel now. It has a cold, metal feel to it but that is a warm feeling, so I am good. There's also a part of me that wants to save mice.

So I called up someone who I knew would be willing to go with me. He came and picked me up so I could go and see "The Lorax."

We arrived at Movie Town early enough to get great seats.

Since it was the middle of the week, there were actually some seats available and when you are 5 foot tall like I am, that makes great movie watching as there aren't a lot of tall heads poking about. There I sat, nestled in my comfy seat in the popcorn stadium when in walks an 8 foot man-giant. Where do you think man-giant decided to sit? Of course, right in front of me. He just sat there, taunting me with his powers of tallness.

Sometimes, I just assume that tall people are looking out for me. Obviously, they aren't. I should have given him my email address so that he can warn me next time he goes to the theater. It's "canweputyourheadinabucketuntilthemovieisover.com." Instead, I just stood on my tiptoes and peered over his shoulder like a good little short person. I decided not to bring him down with any rude remarks. It wasn't his fault that he was tall or surpassingly wrong for sitting in front of me.

I really enjoyed the movie. Without giving away too much of the plot, it is basically about how we need to be careful that while in the process of creating our own utopia we don't destroy people, places or things around us in the process. It is a little more to it than that, but I did like the overall message. It also made me laugh, which is something I like to do.

After the movie was over, man-giant turned around and said, "I hope you were able to see." He actually was not being sarcastic and was trying to be sincere and even though he was an hour and a half late, I just smiled and said, "Oh no, it was like you weren't even there."

There was no point in hurting him. He knew he was tall. I know I am short. We really should have worked that one out before hand. I could have said something rude to him and brought him down a few notches, maybe self-absorb the powers of my shortness, but I didn't.

I don't want for my life to be a world of gloom in a few years and wonder what I could have done differently in the past and why didn't I do it. Of course, by then it would be too late. The time to act is now.

Being kind to the tall man was a small seed, but it was a seed, still. Ideally, I would like to have taken an axe and chopped a few feet off of him, but that would have only served a temporary purpose for my movie watching experience and not long term for either of us. Does that make any sense?

Shouldn't we preserve each other and build each other up instead of tearing down, like trees?