Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Crack is Back!

I suppose some of you have noticed that I have been "AWOL."   Let me give you a sample of what is going on in my life and when I am done I will give you a "high five" for putting up with me.

First, I have been trying really hard getting into inventing. 

Actually, it looks more round like a pancake and is made of flour.  I am still working out some bumps in the road because it tastes more like a pancake and not as much like bacon.  Minor details.

There is a project on my board that I am very excited about and has nothing to do with bacon (I just threw bacon in here because I will get one billion hits from it).  Thank you Google.

Inventing is my stupid human trick that I do when my life is not as much high definition as I want it to be.  Yes, my TV is one of those high definition plasmas that can hang on the wall, but my life is usually way more high definitioner!

When I present my new invention to the public, you are all going to hit yourself on your own head and say

Also, Hurricane Debby missed my area so I have been busy eating the 25 cans of spinach I had stockpiled for the event.  The 5-day forecast put it hitting us dead on with torrential rain. 
I really believe that it should be called a fivecast instead of a forecast, but what do I know, I live in a swamp.

Torrential? I looked  up the definition of torrential on dictionary.com.
Then I took it upon myself to look up "impassioned."  I didn't look up vehement.  It just sounds gross and violent, much like Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night or a Saturday through Thursday night. 

Yes, that is exactly how I like my rain.  Filled with intense feelings and passionate.  Why can't men be raindrops? Six BILLION people on this planet and I can't find one man.  I don't need more than one.  How many men does it take to change a lightbulb, cut my grass, paint my walls or pressure wash my house? Just one.

Lately, I have been focusing on getting more beauty sleep.  I used to only get about 5 hours a night...maybe. Now, I get about 8 hours, 9 if I am feeling extra ugly.  

I haven't had Nutella in a while (and have lost 10 lbs.) but found myself in a (withdrawal) bind a few days ago and out of sheer desperation called the Nutella Hotline. 

For a while there I was starting to feel like a parade balloon.  It required six or more people to navigate me to my couch.   I would have to spray myself with a can of Pam to make it easier to pry myself up from any chair.   

I joined a gym, but I am saving that one for an entire post!  Let's just say the "working out" stuff is working!  I don't lick the screen anymore when a Hershey commercial comes on, well, not as much.  I am even thinking about signing up for Karate (at the age of 41).  

Seriously, between internet not working in the middle of this lovely swamp I call home and me being a famous inventor AND working out I have neglected my blog and I apologize.  I hope that you guys will continue to put up with me.  I miss reading your blogs and love reading your lovely comments! Also, to those of you who have given me awards, please do not think that I have forgotten you.  I get about 10 awards a month, so it is difficult for me to post them since I only get to do a few posts a month, but I do appreciate the recognition and remember who they are from!

Nutella--even the word tastes good!

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Tuesday, June 12, 2012

How to Be Professionally Rejected

Most of you may have read my post about how I was born allergic to myself.  If you didn't, you may want to read this first.   My blood supply came from this guy:
This was in the early '70's .  Blood didn't go through a hundred types of testing back then, nor did they care who it came from.  All they knew is that it came.

Because of my exposure to every disease known to mankind, I cannot donate blood.

I am a walking, talking epitome of rejection. Rejection's poster child.  

I actually have tried to donate, but received my rejection letter in the mail that my services would no longer be needed under any circumstances.
I was really bummed because I was counting on having a lifetime supply of free t-shirts as my wardrobe.  Also, it hurts just a bit to know that the United Blood Services hasn't completely dismissed me as a threat.  

The year 1971 was an eventful year for me.  I expected birth and I got it.  After a lifetime of feeling inadequate in my shared cave of hope (someone was in there with me cramping my space, but that is another story) I expected party balloons or some type of reception like a fancy dress gala upon my grand entrance into the world.    Instead, I received the Constitutional right to bear weapons of mass destruction.

I had these mad "being born" skills that seemed to be such a waste.  I only got to use them once.  I may have done a bit better being born in the monkey world.   I was on a gazillion year waiting list for being birthed and thought I would be totally professional about it. 
Over the years, I have perfected the art of rejection.  It doesn't take much.  My secret is simple.
Being different severely reduced my pay-all award of having an easy life.  I was never in the "easy life" line, though I know a few people who swear by it.

Besides a few bathroom bloopers and my fevered dreams of being the world's greatest superhero not coming to pass, overall I am very satisfied.  People tell me that I can be a "kick in the teeth" sometimes.  I'm thinking that is a good thing.

Most of you know  me well enough by now to know that I am a full die-hard fan of doing good in the world.  I'm not really notorious...or are I?

My gut tells me to keep going.  
It is OK to be different.  My problem is I want to improve on everything I look at, whether it is a pair of shoes, a cheesecake or a person.

I always see things better.  Some people see things in a negative light.  I don't.  Some people don't understand that.  I don't understand why people are negative.  It blows my mind.  But, once again, that would make them "different" so I try not to judge.  

I'm not great with advice, but I have a million sarcastic comments to offer.   This is my own personal advice that I offer to myself and for the first time ever I am making available to the public.  
Being like everyone else is as cheap as a gang tattoo.  

Be amazing.

Oh, and while you are busy being amazing donate blood on my behalf. submit to reddit

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Craigslist: Concussion Man Wanted

Some people are just surpassingly wrong.
My greatest wish is for people to stop doing wrong.  I've often thought about being a superhero.  Of course, you know, I'm still gonna fight crime in my pajama pants.  My superheroism will be just like "The Avengers" movie--minus Robert Downey, jr, the other stars (I don't know their names but that doesn't matter as Robert Downey, jr. was the only one that mattered), special effects and safety regulations.

I will need a sidekick.

I realize that in order to curb my truly impressive powers that I will have to have some type of flaw or weakness that is small, hidden and rarely encountered, much like Kryptonite is to Superman.
I have thought about being a Substitute Teacher instead of a Superhero.
My superpowers tend to come out when I walk into a spiderweb.  Every kind of ninja known to mankind surfaces from me in those moments.  A spiderweb grabbed me once like I owed it a hundred bucks.   What I hate about spiderwebs is that other people can't see them because they are virtually invisible, so to any people watching me, it looks like I "just snapped."  
Snakes and spiders are my other kryptonites.  I fainted once in front of a spider.  People rushed to my rescue and at first I felt good about that, but I am pretty sure I heard someone saying this:
Ironically, that was one of my closest friends who said that to me.  Whether she was joking or not, it hurt at the time, plus, I still remember it.  

Even though over the years I have built fame (hmmm...) and fortune, my best bowls still say Kool-Whip on the side and I haven't forgotten where I have come from or where I am going.  Where I came from, I will never go back.  Where I am going is in a positive direction.  I hope to never hurt my friends so I tend to say only uplifting things.  

Also for wedding gifts, they get a really nice set of matching Kool-Whip bowls from me.

I've often thought of playing the game "Let's See How Crazy I Am Now," but I am a bit afraid of what the answer may be for me.
In the budget category of "free," I would like to be the best superhero I can be.  I hope to one day have my "Concussion Man" at my side fighting crime with me, but for right now I feel that the best that I can do (once again "free") is to build up those around me and hope to make their day just a bit brighter. 

Did I mention free? My said skills don't seem to pay the bills.

I promise to you, as my beloved reader, to make your day just a bit better and that is my greatest superhero power.  

P.S. I need to brag on a GREAT friend of mine who was just featured in a magazine for a book that she wrote.  PLEASE PLEASE check her blog out and show her some Crack You Whip love! The book is one of the funniest I have ever read and wouldn't recommend it if it weren't.  CLICK HERE to check out her site.  And thanks for all of the amazing comments week after week, you guys mean the world to me!

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