Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Knight Writer

A few days ago my driving attempt to a town about a hundred miles away was thwarted by a series of events that may or may not have a big comedy reveal.

I was driving along, minding my own business passing a few 18 wheelers with my twin turbos (whatever that is) when my rear tire decided to be a rice krispie and go "pop"  ( the snap and crackle came later).

A message came up on my little tv screen in my car.
I was in the middle of nowhere on a highway, but nearing a town that was decent sized (10 or more people) so I quickly googled the nearest BMW dealership.  There aren't a lot of places that carry the same brand tire and there are only about three or four BMW dealerships in all of Louisiana.  
I called the dealership to tell them I was on my way.
Two minutes and two miles later (not fifty) came the snap and the crackle.

I love it when my car speaks to me.
I pulled over and surveyed the damage.
I surveyed where I was.
Things didn't look good. Since when did they start making exits 3 miles long?
I called the tow trucker people.


The tow trucker guy got lost and called me six times before he found me.


Six times.



The sun tried to make me melt. I began to think I would be on Fox News by midnight.  I am Republican, after all.  They always look for us.

Sometimes I wish my last name was "Fox."

Nah...

I would say I wish my last name was CNN but I'm not even sure what the letters stand for, however I have to give a shout out for CNN because I know some great producers there who actually read my crazy blog stuff!
I lay on the grass baking in the sun, hallucinating Big Macs, thinking about all of my McProblems and I wasn't lovin' it.  Somehow, I was going to survive.  I was going to make it.  Two shady guys stopped and I wanted to panic, but kept my cool .  I used to carry mace (until I maced myself) and also a gun (until...oh, never mind) but I may or may not be in the witness protection program and may or may not have given up firearms.  And my last name probably or probably isn't Knight...anymore.

Two hours later, tow trucker guy arrives.
Yes, I drive one of the fastest cars in the world.  When I buckle my seatbelt, it is for maximum buckling, not any of that minimum stuff.  Maybe that is why my tires pop?


Things weren't always this way.
On the way to the dealership, the tow truck almost hit a carload of Justin Beiber fans. My day was slipping away from me in tiny fragments that wasn't my imagination.  I just wanted to get to civilization.


And there it was.
Twelve Superbowls didn't have as much coverage as I did walking into that dealership.  I was starving, having survived two and a half hours in the wild without food, water or internet, so I ran through the crowd for the nearest vending machine.


I put in a dollar.  Five times.  Nothing.
I asked to use one of the BMW's on the lot to go get a hamburger.  They called the shuttle driver instead.  He was having problems and would be an hour.  Of course.  Why would things be any different?


I decided to walk.  There was a fast food restaurant in the distance across a few football fields.  I could do that.

I finally made it there and saw this:
I was so excited to eat and took a giant bite of my food.  I don't know if they accidentally dropped it into a salt mine, but it was the saltiest thing I have ever eaten in my life and I have eaten a big heaping pile of salt.


I left with great distrust for their food making skills.


On the way back I took a picture of this sign.  I felt it was fitting for my day.

There was only one mudhole on the way back in that entire field.
Sometimes you just need that coffee and donut and you need it now...

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91 comments:

  1. I've had days like that, only not as funny!
    X

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  2. This was utterly hilarious, thank you for sharing... I laughed out loud over and over :)

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  3. This is terrible. I had a day almost as bad as this one, and it was for the exact same reason. My van blew a tire. No bucket seats. No tow truck driver. I couldn't afford it. I walked my butt home, and called my dad to help me. A grown woman called her daddy for help.

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  4. Are you sure that was mud? (sorry) Thank you for seeing the funny side and wrapping it up in lovely paper and giving it to us.

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  5. Sometimes it is definitely better to just throw in the towel and try again tomorrow--for your mental health! Just wondering: Does your car speak English with a German accent?

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  6. Oh wow! It's funny but sounds like such a trying day that it makes me cringe. If you had had a pet alligator with you, things might have been better. It would have been nice to have the alligator show a toothy grin to that tow truck guy... two hours???? In that situation I don't think you should have to pay ;-) (Bozo - I had to change my name)

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  7. That does sound quite like the adventure. I've never broken down in the middle of nowhere like that, and now I really hope I don't.

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  8. "Twelve Superbowls didn't have as much coverage as I did walking into that dealership" = best line ever!

    So sorry that your tire had issues, but you took car trouble and mud and being stranded and you made it into cake. Chocolate word cake, with funny picture icing. YUM.

    I gotta say it, wait for it, you know I am gonna say it so here goes:

    YOU ROCK.

    xxo
    MOV

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  9. Leave it to our machines to remind us how helpless we are. But then to get screwed by a vending machine? Treacherous landscapes to the Sonic too? That's a harrowing tale.
    I once broke down on a freeway in the middle of nowhere. I know it was the middle of nowhere because the officer on the scene, when I asked her where we were, laughed at me and said, "nowhere."
    Glad you didn't end up on the news.

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  10. Hahahh what a paaaaain. Eesh!

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  11. Oh, at least you were able to write a very entertaining blog post about it. So funny! (And I have those very same Nike shoes- in hot pink and a light lavender. My faves!)

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  12. I just adore the Knight Writer, so funny and clever.

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  13. That does it. I'm going to make someone crawl under my car and be sure that donut tire is inflated so the tow truck guy has something to work with. Oh, wait. We'll just put the car up on the Jer-Dann and ride in the cab to the repair shop. Thanks for the story.

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  14. If my car talked to me it would be nothing but expletives.

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  15. Didn't you read the fine print in your owners manual & tire warranty? Yeah, the disclaimer about typos. "Run Flat Tire" - Correction: "Tire Flat? RUN!"

    Glad you made it out alive!

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  16. Wow. What a craptastic, albeit interesting, day. I hope you got a chance to relax after all of this. I probably would have flipped out. I get kind of hulkish when I'm hungry.

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  17. Great story. You handled the situation good and it made for a funny story. I agree though it's stuff like this that has a candidate for Anger Management. j/k :)

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  18. I could think of much worse things to step in than a mud hole. But then, you don't generally notice that sort of thing until it's already ground into the carpet of your car.

    At least the BMW dealership was close by? :)

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  19. hahaha at least you can poke fun at it. I've had days like this as well, think we all have. Stupid axel broke, that was not fun.

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  20. Dang girl!! What a nightmare. Now I know I may need to double and triple check with you before I visit LA. Yea it's on my bucket list for this year ;) Also I love Sonic. That was sonic right? Yummms... Sorry you had such bad luck though! :/

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  21. I lived in Louisiana for a long time. Anytime I had to make a road trip twenty miles outside my town I prayed there wouldn't be any type of mechanical disaster. It's only been six years since I left and I had forgotten all about those prayers...you just brought all right back!

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  22. Oh no! That sounds like a long and sucky day dealing with the flat tire. But I love how you saw the mud hole and envisioned the little demon: I do things like that all the time! :)

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  23. Oh wow, such a horrible day! After the first bite of that food, I would have returned it. I can't eat a lot of salt. I'm like a snail, I'll shrivel up in the hot sun. :D

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  24. I think the vending machine would have been my breaking point. Kudos on making it to the fast food joint!

    I can't believe the idiot tow truck driver though. My goodness.

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  25. I want those tires that don't have air in them. They never go flat.

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  26. So, was it a bad day?
    I think the most disturbing part was hearing you like Fox news. I hope you have everything working fine now.

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  27. I really wish my Dora the (ford) Explorer would talk to me like your BMW! Though... I feel like she would probably spend most of her time cussing me out in Spanish for not seeing that speed bump back there.

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  28. There are FAR too many hilarious moments to pick out from this post. But my lord, how brilliantly funny! Though of course, they weren't for you at the time.

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  29. Game attempt to find the humor in being repeatedly kicked when you are already down. Most disturbing aspect to me: tow truck driver who cannot find the single exit in the town where he lives and works has a job while I do not. Second most disturbing aspect: I would have stopped to see if I could be of any help - at which point I would have become one of the shady guys in your story. Not your fault really. I've kind of let myself go. Glad everything came out okay.

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  30. Sometimes you will just go nuts if you don't laugh at life. You are definitely going to survive a lot with your wonderful sense of humor.

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  31. I love this post and your sense of humor. I probably would have cried. LOL

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  32. Oh Gawd. Day from hell. I'm glad you experienced it though, so I could laugh at it in your blog! And I mean that in the nicest possible way!

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  33. I absolutely love the way you told this story! Glad your okay!

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  34. WOW honestly honey I don't know what to say. Luckily No Injuries Were Reported.
    Just remember tomorrow is another day
    Love
    Maggie

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  35. Annnnnd *this* is why I don't drive. Well... this and the fact that I can't afford a car anytime soon.

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  36. Quite the adventure--and how clever of you to turn a rotten day into such an entertaining read! Well done!

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  37. I once broke down on Bodmin Moore at 3am in the morning in the worst weather I've ever seen...back then we didn't carry mobiles so I had to hike for 3 miles just to find a phone...and then explain to my dad why I'd taken the car without him knowing and why I was actually 200 miles away.

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  38. Sounds like you had a crazy day.

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  39. Oh my gosh I don't know how you found me - but I am glad you did.

    I do know Grandma With Yellow Hair.

    You have the funniest blog and sorry your adventure was funny too - now that you are home safe -

    What photo program do you have to add all those words and lines!

    AWESOME!
    sandie

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  40. Don't stop trying. You make me laugh aloud every time out.

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  41. Stop trying? O.K. You should be more careful about your instructions because they may be read by the depressed. I like your drawings and enhanced photos very much. Thank you for following me. I shall follow you. You're not my ex-husband pretending to be someone else, are you?

    Love,
    Janie Lola

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  42. I was feeling your pain since. Recently rode 77 miles in a tow truck can with. Van in the back (so much less glamorous all around)...but the picture of your muddy kicks is what really broke my heart!

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  43. Do you know Alexander? I think you had his day.

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  44. what a day ! i feel you. i have had too many incidences with my car.

    just last week, i had sent my car for repair and took my sis-in-law's for work. must be my glorious luck ! the machine broke down while i was in the middle of an U-turn ! urgh. but there were some nice people around to help me through the entire process which took up the day!!
    urgh.

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  45. HAHAHAHAH, oh man, you make me laugh every time.

    once we broke down in the middle of the highway with a bikie gang right behind us. :s

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  46. Thanks for the follow. You were #400 for me. If you'll send me your snailmail address, I'll send you a book Remembering Big for helping me reach that milestone. rick@homefolkmedia.com
    The book is a compilation of columns I've written for newspapers.
    I'm a new follower and I've enjoyed your blog so far.
    Thanks.

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  47. You are a riot! I spit out my coffee reading this... :)

    (Hope it's all uphill from here!)

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  48. Sketchy guys came to help and you didn't use your supergirl powers to mind meld them into bringing you food or leading the tow truck driver to you?

    Tracie! Were you trying to hide your supergirl powers from the world at large? Or is it the superhero protection program that prevents you from using them?

    I am so sorry that these people didn't do as required! Hopefully all is well, and you had a better day!

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  49. Your comment made me giggle on my post so I came to visit! Sure glad I did. Thanks for the morning laugh! I'm following. Not stalker following because I think you have had enough of the crazy lately! Oh I am legally blind so the only way I can find people is if they leave a comment so I can click on their profiles.. Sorry I know it kinda sucks. :)

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  50. i would probably find the only mud hole in a sun-baked field as well. Hope you got your fix of fast food the way it was meant to be, not quite as salty.

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  51. so I am thinking you often have days like this ; )

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  52. CYW,this is hilarious. I love it! You seem to have a knack for making me laugh. Kudos. I love your sense of humor under stess, heat, danger, flat tires, and over-salted food. ":)

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  53. Except for the BMW it sounds like my life. Got Justin Bieber in there huh. funny post

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  54. That was hilarious!
    Look on the bright side. At least the tow truck driver didn't look at you and said, "Yew shure dew have a raght purdy mouf."
    But, I have to feel sorry for those Germans at the BMW dealer. It can't possibly be comfortable goose-stepping in bib overalls.

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  55. Oh man that was a really long day! I can't believe the tow truck drive got lost... -___- Lol. I love how you're like "You LIVE here..." and there's one road and only one North. :P

    Your blog entertains me so much! I love it. Sorry that you went through a bad day to entertain us, though. :P

    I thought I was subscribed to your blog before, but I wasn't! So I did it now. :D Yay, more Crack You Whip.

    - Esther
    http://roseywinterrose.blogspot.com

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  56. That sucks. I have always wondered why it takes the tow truck guys so long to arrive. Sorry for your bad day.

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  57. You are sooo good at this! Your fairly crappy day turned the end of my day into a great big smile! I'm sure it wasn't much fun at the time, but you have a great way of putting things in perspective. Loving it here, can't wait for more!!

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  58. Absolutely hilarious, one of those days for the stoop. The part about Fox "News" cracked me up.

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  59. Ha! Only you could make getting a flat tire hilarious. Poor you, though! What an aweful experience!

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  60. Oh girl, you should have just not gotten up that morning :)

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  61. a fun day for sure. The fox news quip made me chuckle

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  62. I hope the next day was better for you...

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  63. Bad things always happen to your car in the middle of no where...I speak from experience. I had a blow out in Greenville, Alabama, and I hit a wild boar at 65 MPH just outside of Waycross, GA. I dread lonely highways for many reasons, including bad country stations and wild animals.

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  64. Sorry about your ordeal-- but thanks for reminding me that I need to order new tires. : )

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  65. pretty funny writing for a not funny situation..but hey you survived and thrived!

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  66. What an adventure !
    Best regards from France,

    Pierre

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  67. It is indeed wise to check on the tires of one's vehicle before traveling! Good thing help was within reach. Take care :)

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  68. THAT was the coolest evah tow-truck story.. and I feel soooo much better about my Mother's Day Panty Raid to Victoria's Secret :)~

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  69. now wasn't that an exciting adventure :) And so picturesque ;)
    Thanks for following HOLLYWOOD SPY, hope to see you there often

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  70. I really laughed out loud at some of this! Keep this up, it's fun to read! Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment! Comments are the best way to find people. Good luck in your search for acceptance for who you are. Right now I'm believing the "right" person can't be too far from you. You have spirit and joy in you, enough to be a beacon for that other soul...

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  71. I've had a few similar experiences. Cars never seem to break down in conveniant places.

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  72. Wow, what a story just to get your tire fixed!!!! LOL What's a mud hole?

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  73. Love this story. I own a BMW, too. Live in a rural area and when the warranty was still in effect, had to drive at least 250 miles just to have it serviced. Even had to stay over night. What were we thinking? Guess its love. I love my car.

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  74. I read this post yesterday, and last night I dreamed of Randy Travis. It was very strange! Thank you for bringing some variety into my dreams!

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  75. Thank you for restoring my faith, that I am not alone in the world as the only person who can step in the only mud puddle in a several football field sized place filled with solid, dry land.

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  76. All I heard in that story was "You Rock!" Seriously, way to take care of your own stuff and manage to remain calm. Kudos to you!

    Princess WeeWee

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  77. Aww, you live for this stuff. More fodder for your blog, more fun for us.

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  78. just a quick note
    I have added you to my reading list on my main blog
    http://rjacobpost.blogspot.com/

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  79. You mangaged to make an very unfunny situation funny. Great illustrations and photos. Do you always keep your camera with you?

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    1. Thanks! Actually it is the camera on my phone. I have about 5000 pictures I need to take off before it explodes.

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    2. I've thought of always keeping my camera with me (I'm one of the four people who doesn't have a cell phone with a camera) for those times I see something that suggests a poem but somehow that feels like cheating? Love your humor.

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  80. Adventures everywhere!!!

    Nicely done. :-)

    Pearl

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  81. I love how the tow truck driver got lost. Maybe he should drive a taxi instead :-)

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  82. You are just too damn funny! I might have to stop following you before I die laughing! JK

    I love the "Mcproblems" and how you are not loving it!

    Sounds like a crappy day!

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  83. I'm telling you, it's all Louisiana's fault. I was there. Only I had this long bridge thingie through swampy area between me and civilization. Oh, those tires that seemed to be tossed over into the water? They aren't tires. They are alligators. Yah. They saw my poor dog as a mcnugget when she was watering the ground. I kid you not. I thought the car was the safest place to be.

    I enjoyed your article and your visit. :-)

    Ps. When you interrupt a tow driver in the middle of his much needed siesta (or dinner) they tend to tell you they're lost or you are, and they can't find you...

    Sia McKye OVER COFFEE

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  84. I feel a little better about my day now.

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  85. You had me at crawfish farm...love your view on life.

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