Saturday, March 17, 2012

How To Spend Three Hours on the Phone With Customer Service

Some days are more stressful than others .  On those days, in particular, you can look in my backyard and you won't not find bodies.   In the last few weeks my stressful face and my happy face have been eerily similar.  I have been having problems with my internet, so I finally decided to call customer service to resolve the issues.  First I had to find their number without the aid of the internet, but eventually I did find it hidden on the bottom of a shoe in China.

I should have known that I was going to have problems with that one simple call.  My miscalculation in my ability to execute such a simple task created an impressively large cavern  in my day that was so big and useless that within hours it was completely saturated with failure.
I should have been suspicious about the company when my monthly bills for my internet service came in the mail completely handwritten in crayon.
I would rather spend my evening soaking in a tub full of scissors than call customer service about anything, ever, but sadly I would have to put that life experience off for another day.




As minutes tragically passed, each one more painful than the last and with each second brutally stabbing me in my ear, I began thinking about the possibility of spontaneous combustion and why I was having such a difficult time achieving it.



I have unanimously decided that in the future if I make the napping decision to call customer service again, I will have myself properly trained in the art of self-combustion...just in case.

***************************
Thank you to my friend Working Dan for inviting me to be a Dudette in the boys club Dude Write.  I am very grateful to be a part of this! I am putting you on hold now... submit to reddit

80 comments:

  1. Oh the rage of customer service. This is why we need my service where, before you call a customer service line, you contact me, I send a guy named Vinny over to wherever the phone bank is and he stands over their shoulder while he/she resolves your issue. There is no "let me put you on hold" with a Vinny standing over your shoulder.
    I feel your pain.

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  2. Was English the first language of the actual humans or were they imported from a country on the other side of the world? I hate when I can't understand them and they can't understand me and then I just explode and ask for some one in my own country and they are all "What? I do not understand your request." (In my head that was in an Indian accent).

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  3. Well I feel your pain over this.
    Really.

    But I have to say I am glad it happened because it gave us this post, which was hilarious.
    So now I am wondering if I should feel guilty for laughing at your misfortune and frustration ?

    Nah...too late anyway. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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  4. Too funny!! Sorry about your internet problems. I feel your pain about customer service hell.

    I once started dialing random extension numbers for Gateway Computer and stumbled upon the nicest person who happened to be someone really high up, like level 7, who could actually help me. She started to give me the party line, but I reminded her that I now had her extension number and that if she would be willing to help me every time I had a problem, I would remain a customer. She refunded all my money and sent me a prepaid packing slip!

    You are hilarious. So glad I found your blog. I'll be back!!

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  5. ATT Cingular.

    They owe me two weeks of my life. Never did solve the problem.

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  6. Ewww you had to listen to Bieber too, that is just adding insult to injury..hahahahahaha those nitwits are useless, you may as well dial a random number. Then the friggin foreign ones are a pain in the butt, all one big headache indeed.

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  7. wow I have SO been there. I love it when they tell you what position you are in "There are 5 people in front of you...3....1...there are 7 people in front of you..." If a strangling through the phone could be achieved for real we would never have to deal with crappy CS calls. LOVE the beiber cartoons

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  8. This is a riot! Customer service calls used to drive me insane, I could feel the eye twitch develop before I even finished punching in my account number. Now when the first person asks me who and how I am, I have a new tatic:

    "I'm not very good, but thanks. As a matter of fact, I will be yelling today. A lot. And since I'm certain you're not the cause of my problem, why don't you just go ahead and transfer me to management to I can yell at them now."

    Works like a charm, every time.

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  9. "I would rather spend my evening soaking in a tub full of scissors"...LMAO!!! Oh this sounds so much like talking to Dell. Except that took 5 months, not 3 hours. But very similar all the same. Sorry you have to deal with this, but glad your 'net is working so you can post about it.

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  10. Haha! Loved this post... I'm sure every single one of your readers can relate to this perfectly! I had a similar experience once except that it was in France. I had to tell them what was wrong rather than the other way around. Actually, not just tell them... convince them! By the end of the whole thing the guy sort of laughed and said sheepishly - "I bet you want to kill me right now."

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  11. HAHAHAHAHA! *pees knickers a little* HAHAHAHAHA! *snorts unattractively through nose* HAHAHAHA! *now has a headache from laughing so hard!

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  12. Right. And when you finally get them to help you, they tell you they can't resolve the problem. They will send someone out to your house in one to fifteen days, and they will charge you an arm and half a leg.

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  13. I have felt your pain. Hope you manage to get it fixed

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  14. "I would rather spend my evening soaking in a tub full of scissors" = best line ever.

    And I am totally digging the spiders, too! Nice post! (so your pain was not in vain...........)

    xxo
    MOV

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  15. This makes me think think of customer service lines as suicide hotlines - but not ones to be confused with the hotlines that make you NOT want to kill yourself.

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  16. I feel your pain...I spent yesterday with not one...not two...but three different "maze through hell" electronic menus to get to the real person that acts like I am their biggest PITA of the day.
    The only thing worse than having AT&T Uverse tell me their call volumn is heavy and the current wait is more than an HOUR is the web host company that has a technician that clearly knows less than I do (and that in itself is difficult to acheive that low of skill set) This is evident when he says "HMMM..Good question???

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  17. YES. I will do pretty much anything to not have to deal with customer service. My husband acts like I'm overracting, but really, there is no way to overreact to this.

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  18. I used to be a 411 operator, and I remember callers like you. Sadly, we were paid minimum wage, and with workers, you get what you paid for. I had no problem being snarky to those who were snarky with me.

    But that was a lifetime ago, and I've matured... I feel your pain.

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  19. Like many great comedians, you use wit and humor to comment on a frustrating part of modern life. Personally, I'd rather be water boarded than be forced th listen to Justin Bieber.

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  20. That post pretty much sums up how frustrating dialing for "customer" service can be...!!! the route to hell would be a lot easier I guess!

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  21. This is quite possibly the funniest thing I've read in months!--strike that--YEARS!

    Thanks!

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  22. I really needed to read this. My husband also thinks I am overreacting. I once stayed on the phone so long with customer service I got a low blood sugar. I put the receiver down, didn't hang up, fixed and ate a snack, re tested my sugar level, went to the barthroom. Picked up the phone and the music was still playing, I was still on hold!

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  23. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Loved this!

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  24. ouch Justin Bieber hold music... I'd complain to the managing director just for that.

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  25. When it comes to customer service, I'm surprised that the phone doesn't melt into my cheek from how long I've kept it pressed against it. Ugh.

    -Barb the French Bean

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  26. Some great stuff, like always! I will use my accents for the next customer service reps I speak to.

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  27. LOL 7 levels! I remember saying on the phone for like 45 min tring to get a re credit for not having internet/phone/ and television for 2 days

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  28. UGH. And the cable/internet companies are the WORST, in my opinion.

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  29. Calling the cable company has got to be the forgotten circles of hell. I'm guessing an inner one.

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  30. Ahhhhh, the joys of dealing with customer service. Always a pleasant experience. -snort- Your post was so accurate... and definitely hilarious.

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  31. To help you understand the other side of call centers I wrote "A Dark and Stormy Night" at the bottom of my blog. I truly feel for you.

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  32. I am having a similar problem. At least to could belly laugh out loud at your post. It made my issue feel rather small after that. Thanks so much for sharing. Now I think I'll go and yell at the idiot that was on the last call I made to ask for help ... Sigh! :), Susan Cooper

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  33. Bwahaha! This is so accurate, it is scary. In the UK, they outsource our call centres to any number of non-English speaking countries, which adds to the problem. It is actually a selling point if a company has a UK call centre, but there are so many accents and dialects here that it doesn't really matter sometimes.

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  34. This so reminds me of the times i had to deal with customer service, the 'customer' being found only with a magnifying glass. When i was with Virgin,to get them to do anything i would tell them i am quitting their company if they don't pass me on to a manager. That normally gets them moving. The people who work the phones have zero power and often zero english. Your post made me laugh out loud, the illustrations were hilarious.

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  35. Hahahaha- laughing out loud.
    I HATE automated systems, thankfully I don't have to call too often.
    They always call me Teresa.
    Tracy

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  36. Yup. Went through this when my dad died. Had to make a bunch of calls. Of course there was nothing on the automated menus about death, so I had to fight my way to a real human being like I was playing the worst game of 'choose your own adventure' ever. Except every time you lost you got disconnected. Fun.

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  37. Dealing with cable customer service reps makes me want to chug Drano just to feel better.

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  38. People. The more I know them the more I like my dog. And I don't even HAVE a dog.

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  39. This made me laugh and die a little inside, because I have to call about why my internet bill inexplicably went up $20 in a month. I don't know why they do this to me. Whenever I call, it ends badly for them. I'm not saying I'm sending them pipe bombs or anything, but you never know.

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  40. Sounds like my experience with Net Zero. There was no way to cancel the darn thing... and when I called the customer service number and said I wanted to cancel they tried to sell me something else...then told me I couldn't cancel.

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  41. Hahaha, this is so funny. I love your illustrations. COME ON FINGERS DON'T FAIL ME NOW!

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  42. Twitch. Making phone calls makes me die inside.

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  43. This is SO true. I call these "please stick a pen in my eye" moments.

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  44. I just LOVE your blog! I love your illustrations and your narrative is hilarious! I can always bank on a good laugh from you:)

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  45. BRILLIANT! I haven't laughed this hard in months.

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  46. I dread calling customer service too. I love how you would "rather soak in a tub full of scissors!"

    You have such clean, great humor!

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  47. I really like that phone number...

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  48. Oh man, this is ridiculously true. I spent money,and time calling and rarely it comes to a good result.

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  49. You get a lot of comments. I think it is because you are amazingly funny!

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  50. It would be nice if they trained the reps better. As always, a funny and witty post!

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  51. Hahaha, this made me laugh so much! Very true! Great post

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  52. hmmmm...Beiber or perfect world? Aren't they one in the same. A shame the customer service reps don't know how to make it easier on us mortals.

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  53. nice post i enjoy it, go justin i hate you lol

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  54. I was on that call not long ago. I started using the chat room customer service when they offer it. That's actually started getting bad now too though. Too much boilerplate copy and paste crap to wade through.

    Funny post!

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  55. oh my. i'm so sorry to hear that. i've had similar experiences too and during those minutes, i wished i could reach into the telephone, grab the lazy person on the other side by the neck and shake him / her till the cows come home.
    frustrating really.

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  56. bwhaahaha.... Im sorry you had to deal with that, must be A T & T ... haha Im kidding! :) hope they get it fixed soon if they haven't already though!! "oooh baby baby" thats awesome!!

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  57. Stupid damn phone calls. I just wish I could teleport to the service companies and talk to them that way.

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  58. Uh, you didn't upload that picture did you? I'm thinking that could maybe have been a mistake.

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  59. Wow, what an accurate depiction of calling customer service. I also hate that when you ask to speak to the highest on the chain of command they get snippy.

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  60. The message I get from phone customer service is We Strive To Make Your Life That Much Harder. Sigh.

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  61. I love calling the cable company when our internet is down and being told "If you'd like, you can reach us at www...". I would if I could pal!

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  62. There is nothing more frustrating than the internet going down.

    I had an ongoing problem with this last year, which included 4 physical visits from "technicians" and countless hours on the telephone.

    Thankfully, no Biebs though.

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  63. Waiting to speak to a human is bad enough but navigating through a 20 level button pressing menu then, being forced to listen to awful music...that's the final straw. I felt your pain whilst giggling at your post.

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  64. There is nothing worse than having to call customer service - for anything! I'm in an ongoing (2 months at this point) battle with Living Social. Their customer service is Oscar winning horrible!

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  65. Oh, this was an enjoyable read. I'm signing on as your newest follower-

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  66. I sometimes think companies put people for crappy customer service that they don't care about loosing....and reserve the top shelf customer service for the folks that pay the mega big bucks...

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  67. I sometimes think companies put people for crappy customer service that they don't care about loosing....and reserve the top shelf customer service for the folks that pay the mega big bucks...

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  68. I love reading all of your posts. You truly rock!

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  69. Very true! Thank you for checking out my blog. ;D

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  70. Ha, seven levels. I get it.......

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  71. Holy crap, you're like REALLY FUNNY. And you don't even swear, even though there were at least five or six places where you could have more than justifiably slipped in a curse or ten. And you don't tweet your posts every ten minutes. Respect.

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  72. I hate that! I think I am going to become a tech-customer-service person, just to give me some perspective.

    I hate those tools.

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  73. I found your site through MOV; utter hilarity! The walking stick made me chuckle. I used to be one of those call centre monkeys... I feel your pain!

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  74. customer service? oh yeah...thanks for the giggles and snickers today! :)

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  75. I'd rather not call customer service....for anything! I try to avoid something so simple as ordering pizza! My wife hates my weakness to deal with robots...and even the so-called actual human beings!

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